One hundred percent, and then some.

Dilios goes home alone.

2012-01-31T05:33:00.000-08:00

The end result! I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. Will be looking around for more inspiration. And will definitely have to stock up on more supplies; kinda getting low on ink and all.

Commitment.

2012-01-27T21:41:00.001-08:00

In order to stay true to my resolutions for 2012 of being spontaneous and willing to try new things, I've gotten myself into some pretty exciting stuff;

i) CER

Wasn't so sure about this one actually, but after quite a bit of encouragement and some amount of positive feedback(although somewhat sketchy and vague), I finally decided to see what this baby's all about. I don't know what it's about at all; the only thing I know about it is its name. Oh, and I am going alone. How's that for "willing to try new things"?

ii) Real art that I hope will get me some money

Will be praying for lots of grace and courage for this one though. Anyway, I've been thinking about going serious with this whole "art" business. Had a crazy idea to start a birthday card "business/company" awhile ago but nothing's really come out of it yet. And then recently, an old friend landed his first official commission(congrats Brian!), so now I might move beyond birthday cards! Will need more practice, more materials and will definitely have to read/research more. Started the new year with a piece entitled(for now) "And Dilios goes home alone". Really hope this piece will help to get things moving!

iii) Vietnam in April

Not sure what the plan is yet; not even sure who's going besides Marcus and I. Kinda planning to travel the whole of Vietnam by the Reunification Express. Will iron out all the details and plan the itinerary once we confirm out total strength.

Alrighty then, back to work!

Thinking about, well, stuff.

2012-01-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about quite a lot of things lately and I guess I'll write about the more important ones;

For starters, I think at 21(or 20 years and 8 months), one has to learn to prioritise; to put all the proper things, people and events into their proper places and arranged them according to their importance and merit. As of late, I've been struggling with that because I'm not too sure about what's really important to me; I've lived my whole life thinking that everything that I'm part of is important to me; I have never sat down and weighed them out to decide which was more important, or less important. The idea just never crossed my mind before. But there are only seven days a week, 24 hours a day and that doesn't give me a lot of time to work with; hence the whole mumbo jumbo about setting my priorities straight and all.

Now with that being said and all, this beings me to my second point about being spontaneous and trying new things. I know that I've said this quite a lot at the end of 2011, that 2012 is a year of opportunities and a year for trying and getting out of that comfort zone. Thing is, I don't really know what and when to try. And there're so many things coming my way and I have to decide quickly before 2012 becomes just "another year" gone by and wasted.

Ohkay, I think that's enough worrying for now. Back to work!

Nothing much really.

2012-01-12T04:37:00.000-08:00

Apparently, MS Paint's not good enough for the job, so I downloaded Paint.net instead. It doesn't seem very user-friendly but I've seen it at work and I think it's pretty awesome. Well, once you get the hang of it, of course. Will probably be spending the next few weeks trying to figure out how it works and all.

Hello Blogger.

2011-12-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, where to begin(blows off the dust and wipes away the cobwebs on this little baby here)? It's 2012 now and I know this might sound cheesy, but this year is OUR year man! ORD here we go-oh-oh-oh! But ORD aside, there're other things that I feel that will make 2012 an interesting year. Well, for one, there's school! Sure hope that school's going to be exciting! New environment, new friends and all.

So here's wishing everyone a happy new year; I hope that 2012 will be an awesome and eventful year for everyone!

progress in the dead of night.

2011-08-03T06:04:00.000-07:00

from my quiet reading corner, i can hear the constant humming of machinery outside my window; a bright orange light pierces through the curtains at fixed intervals; the occasional(but loud) sound of men shouting. i take a quick glance to the left. my black Casio alarm clock tells me it's 3.23am, otherwise known as 0323 when one is in green(or any other colour of uniform for that matter). i put down Aravind Adiga's "White Tiger" and walk over to the closest window to investigate. it's quite a sight actually; progress in the dead of the night; Bangladeshi workers sitting atop big yellow machines that level the hot bitumen, like a farmer riding his buffalo; gently guiding it to plough the land.

"wow", i mutter quietly to myself, clearly unfamiliar with and in awe of the spectacle outside the window. but as the nights go on, i must say that it is not uncommon to see sights like this; foreign workers toiling late into the night while everyone else is sound asleep. now i finally understand why it is so easy to forget; to forget where all these structures came from and how these buildings came into being. it's easy to forget without constant reminders, that i must admit. after all, we are human. and as humans, forgetting is easy, remembering is hard; the former can be likened to trying to keep tiny grains of sand in your hands from falling through the little gaps between your fingers while the latter, quite simply, is all about letting go; the tiny grains of sand, faces and names and what not.

and this, i suppose, is the price of progress; a society that operates very much like clockwork, gears turning about and all for days on end, but no one, not even for a single moment, ever stops to think about who oils and replaces the gears in the middle of the night and who it is, that keeps the clock running.

the wait continues.

2011-08-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

i am still waiting; still wanting; hoping and dreaming.

it is in all these, that my being be. my waiting, my wants, hopes and dreams.

thoughts of these occupy my mind constantly and more often then not, they spill over into my conversations too. these are the things that lift me up and weigh me down, things that i fight for and against; such a beautiful contradiction, an irony of sorts. and that my friends, is life as it is.

thoughts on 310711.

2011-07-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

i sit quietly by the window, reminiscing the past; thinking about a time that these hallways and spaces were not so distant; filled with familiar names and faces. today, the hallways were packed, as they always are, but it just wasn't the same. faces and names; i knew a few. but what worries me most is that this sprawling compound i once called home has become a cold and empty shell; where is the friendly chatter that warms strangers up before a hot meal? what of the tireless face painters who could turn man into beast with their artful strokes? the old man at the table who strikes up a happy and random conversation with just about anyone? the plump lady in the black blouse with rose petals printed on who would give you a jolly good bargain for her delicious shepherd's pies if you had the courage to ask; where is she now? where is that happy gathering of old friends; seated at table with drink in one hand and chicken wing in the other; sharing enthusiastic plans for the future and laughing and smiling about each other's dreams. where have they all gone?

these and more have become less commonplace in what we call a "funfair" and only exist as distant memories; little happy fragments, now stored away in some lonely, obscure corner of my brain. if i were to put a word to it, i would choose "moribund"; in terminal decline; at the point of death. no, it is not God who is dead; it is the people. that warmth(and energy); this i know, is most lacking.

now all there is left is a certain chill; like that of the cold wind that whistles through the tiny gap in the window where i now sit.

thoughts on optimism.

2011-07-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

"lasting optimism has one essential ally; reason. any optimism that is unreasonable is bound to be dashed by reality, leading to even more unhappiness. optimism, therefore, must be always be illuminated by the gentle, purging light of reason and be unshakeably grounded in sanity of mind, so that pessimism becomes a foolish, short-sighted attitude. what this means-resonableness being the tepid, inglorious thing it is-is that optimism can only arise only from small but undeniable achievements."

- Yann Martel, The Facts behind the Helsinki Roccamatios

my image of God.

2011-07-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

"facils, please pass around the materials that the confirmands will use to form their image of God."

upon hearing that, i passed around a stack of paper and broke the big block of plasticine into smaller pieces, one for each confirmand. some of them didn't want their little blobs of plasticine, so i took those and rolled everything into a ball. as i was rolling, i pondered upon what my God looked like; honestly speaking, i never did spend any time at all(in my twenty years of life) thinking about God's appearance. i pretty much left that to the Church and the media to decide; an old man with greying hair and a wise beard, or perhaps an angry cloud accompanied by a couple of lightning bolts, or maybe even black man who spends his free time cleaning an empty building(yes, that was God in Bruce Almighty).

as i rolled the dark grey plasticine in my two hands, i realised that its colour was changing to that of a seasoned eraser; those with a touch of light grey after repeated and frequent use. and then at that moment, it struck me. God was an eraser.

God(to me) is an eraser(a magical one that will never ever diminish in size) and the world we live in is his canvas; we are the pencils. everyday, we go about our lives and make decisions; like pencils drawing/writing on the canvas, we leave behind marks, sketches and scribbles. throughout the whole process, the pencils get shorter by the day and one day, they will outlive their purpose and be unable to draw on the canvas anymore. likewise, we grow tired, old and eventually, we die. and throughout our lives, we don't make good decisions all the time and these are times that God comes out and says, "there, there, lemme erase that for you."

with those gentle words, our wrongs are righted and the canvas is clean again.

what's going on here?

2011-07-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

i use different behavioural sets/patterns(for easier reading, i'll use the word "personalities") in different situations in order to achieve my aims and objectives.

when wearing green, i act as how men in green should act; i aim for detail, precision, and more importantly, speed. so it's just one objective after another till i'm done. i care not for things that do not benefit me or get me closer to my objective and more often than not, i throw these things out the window before they even get to me. i am careful with my words and think through conversations in my head again and again and again until the moment of the actual conversation; at this moment, i hope to have covered all possible scenarios that might occur. such conversations do not have life within themselves and are often dull; and when something out of the ordinary is said, the surprises are often unpleasant ones.

but on the flipside, there's an easy-going side of me that likes to live in the now; a no worries, laid-back and all kinda personality. this one is confident about speaking and knows how to find his way around conversations, is not highly strung(unlike the former), makes a conscious effort to get to know people better through mindless banter and utter nonsense, spends a great deal of time thinking about all kinds of things but doesn't commit to the first idea that comes to mind; he speaks freely and without restraint.

the unusual thing is that both of these are my Selfs; they are both within me but when left to wander freely, they are like a battle within my body, a paradox of sorts. how can one be so uptight, while the other is so relaxed and laid-back; all at the same time? the thoughts i think are often hazy and belong to neither of the Selfs; they do not aid my being. now i often find myself speaking hastily, only to end up correcting myself seconds later; there is this confusion within myself. my train of thought is one that travels on crooked rails; and many a time has it been derailed by my confusion.

then now, the question is this, how can i achieve consistency? how are others able to have a "one personality fits all" scenario? i have seen friends do it and their answer is to be yourself. but what if i don't see it in my true Self to be able to accomplish the tasks ahead of me? how do i employ my other Selfs i have within me? how do i maintain a clear head and full control over them?

on a random note, is it just me going crazy, or do these "personality clashes" happen to others as well?

there is a quiet admiration.

2011-07-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

she casually abandons her flip-flops and walks in the sand; without a care in the world. undeterred by its unhealthy complexion, she sits with the sand and allows the gentle sea breeze to flow through her hair; long silky hair that moves gracefully like a flag in the wind. she sits, unfazed by the heat, in the glory of the sun; she hides not from its rays. she cares little about the things around her; the smoking charcoal, the loud noise that is our cheering and jeering, friends calling out to her, the kite that flutters on in the tree; long forgotten and destined to adorn the pit forever. these are all futile attempts at disrupting her quiet contemplation and recollection; the rustling leaves have drowned out all these empty sounds.

uninterrupted, she gazes far off into the horizon and is lost in her own thoughts; her own world. and at that moment, i realise how beautiful she is. she is one with nature and nature is one with her. and that to me, is beautiful in itself. and such beauty, is beauty worth admiring.

the rememberer.

2011-07-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

champion of the forgotten; nameless faces and faceless names.
keeper of dreams cast aside; broken worlds and shattered ideals.
bearer of secrets; untold and long buried.
bookman of dates; for the ones left unremembered and uncelebrated.

these names he is called; but the rememberer is he.

thoughts on dreams.

2011-07-05T06:11:00.001-07:00

a dream can be either be a courageous challenge or hopeless escapism. and with that being said, Lord, i pray that my dreams be courageous challenges, rather than thoughts centred around escaping the cruel reality that surrounds me.

the progress thus far.

2011-06-30T07:01:00.001-07:00

lately, i've been spending quite a great deal of time doing/investing time on things that i don't quite enjoy; appointments that i never wanted, tasks that were a result of these appointments, trying to meet the unreasonable demands people that i would not normally deal with under normal circumstances. a part of me just wants to call it quits and throw everything away but at the same time, the other part of me just keeps wanting me to press on and finish strong.

a friend of mine, who was once an officer, told me that during his NS days, his OC used to say this to them on a daily basis, "gentlemen! we're in the business of making things happen; i don't care how y'all are going do it, but y'all are gonna get it done."

and get it done we shall.

thoughts on greatness.

2011-06-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

as a child, grown-ups(mostly teachers) always seemed to tell me that each and every person was destined for greatness. being young and naive, i believed their words. but as i grew older, i began to question their beliefs of everyone's certain destiny to be great(perhaps i may have misunderstood their good intentions to inspire and encourage but let us not get carried away). i often wondered to myself, "how can everyone be great? if everyone was great, then who among us would be the greatest?" several years go by, as i ponder upon this mystery of greatness and at long last, after a much tiring search, i have come to a conclusion of sorts.

greatness is indeed in all of us; but he who is(or will become) great knows how to seize the greatness from within himself. greatness is not a certain destiny, it is a conscious choice(or rather, a series of brave and daring/careful and calculated choices). one cannot not expect to find greatness in himself upon waking up from a restful slumber; neither can one attain greatness by squandering his life in pursuit of the worldly and frivolous pleasures of this world. this is not how one would go about greatness. i would like to think that greatness comes from within; reflection, remembering and constant/persistent trying.

and then i realised that not everyone will achieve greatness. some will stop trying while others cannot be bothered to be great. greatness, as most of us have realised by now, seems impossible and can be likened to chasing the wind. and the ones that do become great; they are only a handful and amongst themselves, they care little for who should be the greatest, because they all have a quiet regard and respect for each other; for each of them are great in their own unique way.

so true.

2011-06-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."

- May Parker in Spider Man 2.

interesting weekend.

2011-05-31T05:51:00.000-07:00

i spent the last weekend at smota's catechist conference and i must say that it was a pretty interesting(okay, armed with the limited vocabulary bank of an NSF, i cannot seem to find another word to describe the experience). i found out more about the other catechists; their lives, their stories and more importantly, who they really were(cleared a couple of doubts actually). i know this all sounds pretty sketch and vague(i really wish i had the time to write everything down but i gotta go crash soon!) but i think it was a good effort and a weekend well spent.

anyway, the highlight of this post is prolly the lunchtime(the last lunch of the conference actually) conversation with the other catechists. well, i'm not quite sure how we ended up talking about my insecurities and issues with confidence, self-worth and all, but i guess it kinda got me thinking about what i wanted in life.

*below is as much as i can remember from the lunchtime conversation.*

g; "where did this all come from, like what happened?"

me:"i dunno?"

g; "there must be something, relationship problems...were you in relationship or something?"

me:"yeah, some 5 years ago."

g; "how did it go?"

me: "hahaha, it was disastrous(smiles). lasted three weeks."

g; "how did it happen?"

me: "i dunno, i was the rebound. and maybe cos i was just too cui la.

d; "three weeks?! whoa, how emotionally attached were you to her anyway?"

*okay, breaktime!*

thought i'll answer question one first. well, i didn't quite have an answer at that point of time so i just kinda brushed it aside. but now that i had some time to think about, i guess i'll answer it to the best i can; sec 3 wasn't quite the best time of my life. things weren't going well in school, bad grades, dismal end to a season, teachers always hounding you and all. it was just getting to me i guess. and it didn't help that everyone was just so much smarter, fitter, "handsome-r"(yes, that was a poor attempt to throw the word handsome into the whole sentence without altering its structure) and better at whatever it was they were involved in. everyone seemed to be doing awesome except a couple of us. to me, she just seemed to have came at the right timing? she taught me chapters of stuff i was bad at(math and physics in particular), lent me her notes and all. there were always encouraging conversations on msn messenger; the future always seemed so bright. DSAs, 6 points, JCs we wanted to go to and all that talk. knew her for about 6 to 7 months and then was funny text one day that went like, "hey, er, do you like me?" and i was like, "yeah, in the friend kinda way. er, what's up?" didn't really think much about it cos i only thought of a her only as a friend and nothing more. but then after awhile, i guess i started to develop feelings and i guess things got screwy from there and about 2 months later, we "got together"? but 3 weeks and it was all over. i really thought i knew her long enough and that she was what i really wanted but i guess, in the end, i was just the "rebound". emo much.

*resume!*

d; "mm, y'know alex, there's this one line from contact work that you'll definitely remember. it's like the correct answer that'll let you pass the station."

me; "er, that was a long time ago man. just tell me what it is?"

d; "damn easy, seriously. c'mon..."

me; "dunno la."

d; "there are always other fishes in the sea!"

me; "but none of them want me...(and then quietly i say, "hahaha, it ryhmes too.")

[the table has the wtf reaction]

g; "huh. but, that was quite awhile ago, so are you ready to get yourself into another relationship?"

me; "er, i dunno?"

g; "aiyo, this kind of thing cannot dunno one. must help you find a girlfriend! mm, what kind of girl are you looking for?"

me; "er, dunno?"

*pause*

actually, i do know la. but i didn't think it was an appropriate time to discuss things like that. mm, tanned, sporty, short hair...but honestly speaking(with the frivolous things mentioned before put aside in one corner), i'll say that these things aren't that important la. what's important is that she's dependable, independent(not fiercely independent to the point that she doesn't need me, but at least independent enough to not look to me for everything), has an opinion on most issues, logical and rational, not a spendthrift(but not a total miser also), catholic, has a plan for the future and yeah, that's generally it?

*end*

the conversation kinda ended after asking the ladies what they wanted/looked for in potential boyfriends or boyfriends. "charming and witty without being too arrogant", "sensitive"(not too sure how sensitivity works cos the only sensitivity i'm familiar with is mouse sensitivity in FPS games) were some of the answers. i guess i gotta get to work man, work on that charm, wit and yes, sensitivity.

thanks for the awesome weekend guys and girls!

and on a random note, i realise that once i grab a mic, i just freeze and forget everything i was supposed to say. i guess cui would be the most appropriate word to describe situations like that. no more, i tell you, it won't happen again.

have you met ORLY?

2011-05-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

say hello to ORLY, the formation owl(it's an owl people, not some rock golem like tiny from dota or graveler from pokemon. seriously guys!). took about 1.5 to 2 hours to get all the little details ironed out; first, there was the concept sketch. second, there was a draft. and to end it all nicely, there was the final piece that was done with a zig painty marker(no mistakes this time around).

anyway, i think i'll try to make it a point to draw something every week, or at the very least, something every two weeks. i think what benedict said made sense, "art isn't just about talent, it's about PRACTICE." and practice i shall! thanks a lot man!

at the end of the road.

2011-05-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

it has been quite a roller coaster ride(yes, pardon the cliche description, because anything more would have been overkill!) for me thus far. as much as i wanted to be part of this journey, there were always things in my heart that were weighing me down. but today, these things are no more; today showed me that, perhaps, i was always trying too hard to be someone i wasn't and maybe we got everything all wrong from the start. whichever/whatever the case, i still thank y'all nonetheless for the little memories that you've left me in this short span of close to two months.

yes, i will miss y'all but i know this isn't goodbye. simply because to me, saying goodbye means forgetting. as J.M. Barrie once put it, "Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

and so, with this quote in mind, i won't say goodbye, because i will always remember all of you.

fierce.

2011-05-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

byron kelleher! i watched a couple of videos that featured his highlights and all on youtube. sadly, not much on his AB career, but still exciting nonetheless. he plays for a french club(toulouse, if i'm not mistaken) now(but is slated to leave later this year cos the manager doesn't seem to have him in any of his plans for the team). depressing news aside, i must say he's quite an awesome player!

damn, i think this guy's my new hero now!

a long, long time ago, i can still remember...

2011-05-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

a couple of years ago, there was this craze going on about the nike baller id bands; some of them had names of basketball superstars on them, while others had words and some didn't have anything on them. being the sensible consumer i was back then, i decided to buy the ones with words on them(i wasn't into basketball so buying a lebron band wouldn't be such a good idea and a band with just a tick didn't seem like a good buy either). so i picked two bands from a 77th street stall at tampines mall; a grey one with the word "team" and a yellow one, which had the word "confidence" on it.

at that time when i bought the two bands, those two words meant a lot to me. actually, they still do.

confidence; being in a sport, i know how much confidence really matters to an athlete. one may be in good form or have the skills and potential, but if he/she lacks confidence in his/her own ability to perform, then the battle is lost. i bought the yellow "confidence" band to remind myself of that. i wore this one when i had matches to play or when i was in competitions.

a friend once asked me, "my boyfriend wears a black one that says NZ ALL BLACKS. mm, i'm curious, what does yours say?", to which i replied, "mine says confidence" a puzzled "huh" was what i got. "the all blacks are a great team and all, but i feel that i should wear something that reminds me of what i need and must do on the field. confidence is all about believing in yourself and having complete trust in your teammates. and i guess that's what really matters to me."

and then she said, "er, ohkay."

eventually, the "confidence" band was given to a friend who needed it more than i did(his season started when my sporting "career" came to a screeching halt). it lasted to him the whole season and right through 'A's, after which it snapped. but at least it was good to know that it had served its purpose and helped someone rev up his mojo on the pitch and in the exam hall.

team; as far as i can remember, i always liked being in teams. the whole concept of being in a team appealed to me because it was awesome to know that there were like-minded individuals who were going to be backing you up when you fall short, people who motivate each other when the going gets tough and all that cliche stuff; in essence, a team was a bunch of people you could trust and rely on.

the grey band, or the "team" band, was worn on training/rest days. it was a reminder that everything i did, should be for the team. training should take priority over all things of leisure, the team's activities(CIP, matches and what not) were of prime importance, all duties assigned by the cap and coach were to be finished ASAP and most importantly, that there was no "I" in TEAM and that the team was more important than the individual.

well, these were ideals. but reality was never so kind.

well, for the better part of my life, i've been in teams. SJI bowling, PJ rugby. but somehow, i never quite felt at home. sometimes, when i lie in bed late at night, i still wonder if i did anything wrong. everyone just seemed to get along so well and they did awesome things together. well, without me, of course. i've been searching, for quite awhile now, for a team that can accept for who i am, and place to call home. it's been 6 years since i bought that "team" band(along with the "confidence" band) and its grey has taken on a light shade of yellow, a sign of "aging" in all things made of rubber.

i hope that before my grey band turns completely yellow, i will find my dream team.

trading yesterday.

2011-05-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

good stuff from an awesome band. should have gotten to know them and their music before they died out and became that band with that weird-assed name; "the age of information". just sitting down today and thinking about how the day went is rather relaxing. damn good stuff, i tell you.

there is only so much you can do in one day.

2011-05-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

we know it's not being easy on top; especially if you are not the top. but as far as tops are concerned, nobody likes a top that doesn't give two hoots about what's on the ground. if you ain't the top, don't expect too much from the ones below. even if you are the top, you might not always get your way either. there will come a time when your men will say to themselves, and eventually, to you, "enough is enough."

i know how this all sounds so vague and funny but i guess a couple of recent events have made me write the above; frustration would be the appropriate excuse for the lil' rant that you just read above.

tuesdays and fridays. damn.

no story is not worth listening to.

2011-05-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

it's funny how when guys meet up after a long time, one of the things we often talk about(almost inevitably, intended or not) is army. during meetups with friends, i often hear stories of them having a swell time eating huge, oversized fried chicken cutlets, running over kangaroos by accident at night and watching reptile shows. and with all forms of enjoyment, comes hell beforehand(but i guess we could have another meetup to discuss the less pleasant details of overseas deployments and excercises). but i guess the fun part for me, is listening to all these stories, rather than telling stories of my own. well, for starters, i have none. and secondly, the stories are usually exciting! and finally(and most importantly), it's good to know that your friends are having fun during this period of 1 year & 10months/ 2 years that most would label as "a waste of time".

also, i guess, in a weird and funny way that i cannot explain, listening to these stories helps lighten the burden of the 2 years. it kind of reminds me that despite us always complaining about the badass things that we've been through in our tour of service, there is always a "silver lining" and i guess, a fair share of good times(although most would argue that the good times are smaller in magnitude than the bad times; but nonetheless, still existent). and so nowadays, when i'm having a bad day, i think of all the stories that friends share with me, and for the rest of the day, the sky doesn't seem so grey anymore.

one of those days.

2011-04-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

i tried my best this year to stay true to my Lenten sacrifices and i think i did pretty good for Lent. but Lent does not last forever and yet again, i have fallen. this struggle, i grow weary of it. but then again, what meaning does life have, if not for the struggle? it is a curious case, this one. there is no light without darkness; no sweetness without bitterness and so forth.

can't speak my mind these days.

2011-04-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

i think it's come to a stage where i can't seem to find the right words to say when speaking in front of large audiences; i tend to forget what my main point is and i often get distracted by simple things like the lights going off and i lose my mojo. gone with the "click" of the switch just like that. getting a lil' pissed, but since today is Good Friday, i guess "pissed" can wait for another day.

that aside, i don't really understand why God loves to keep giving me the chance to share about the parable of the prodigal son. well, i think today was the third time but it didn't sound too good, especially since i had been awake for 24hrs straight and in that same no.4 for 23 hours already. will have to make up for it the next time, if God gives me a chance again!

oh, what the f.

2011-04-17T05:08:00.001-07:00

not sure what's been going on in my life these few days/weeks. everything seems so distant and so unreal; i'm not too sure if it's my lack of sleep(from last night's lenten vigil) or the fact that weird things have been happening to me lately. untimely shoulder dislocation, possibility of "extra" for being careless(not sure if that's the most appropriate word to use, but for now, i'll settle for "careless"), long-ass wait at BBDC for my turn and getting caught in the heavy rain after all that waiting.

i really don't know what to expect next.

our deepest fear.

2011-04-10T06:24:00.001-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

full circle.

2011-04-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

where do i go from here? well, that's a question that's been on my mind for quite awhile now and i don't really seem to get clear answers anymore. there is always that faint glimmer of hope that things will get better; at the same time, there is always this little bit of negativity gnawing at this faint glimmer of hope. i'm always never sure of how things will turn out anymore because things these days are so uncertain and nobody can promise you anything. to make things worse, these choices require commitment and undivided attention; there can be no other, only what you have chosen.

so i ask again, "where do i go from here?"

and it was over; just like that.

2011-04-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

most of the days, i feel like i am in control of my Self, and i know what needs to be done, and what is good for me. i avoid all the bad and undesirable things and continue to work towards my goal or destination. but there are times that temptation is bitch and i just lose control of my Self and i end up falling again. i hate days like these; they make me regret.

i am still searching.

2011-04-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

searching for God is a funny thing; there is a constant temptation to let my faith slide into oblivion and not bother about searching anymore, but at the same time, there are times when i experience random and sporadic moments of great faith and longing; moments in which i feel i must find God in order to feel at peace with myself and the things around me. and as i write this little entry now, i wonder if anyone out there has had an experience like mine.

i'm not sure why i feel this, but to me, i guess it's a sign to tell me that i've been searching for God in all the wrong places and maybe, whatever i'm doing now isn't the way to go. maybe there is something i'm missing out, or something that i'm not doing right. i don't know. i feel more lost than ever and i don't think i really know what i'm doing anymore. is this all a mistake; should i stay on in this?

maybe i should stop thinking so much and get some sleep; it's been a long day anyway.

okay, that's it.

2011-04-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

this has been going for quite awhile already but today was, as what they always say, "enough is enough". okay, that didn't really sound quite right but surely you get the idea. so this thing i was going to talk about; old ladies deliberately cutting my queue just because i am wearing my uniform. okay, let's start from the beginning.

i don't understand why these old ladies like to cut my queue?! like, why me? why not the guy in front, or maybe the lady behind, why me?! i mean, maybe if you waited nicely by the side, i would have willingly let you go first, but cut my queue one too many times i get really angry. really, really angry.

and what makes me angrier is that they are willing to squeeze into that lil' gap between the bus and me, or what little space there is between the train doors and the boarding platform. it's crazy man. what's getting them so worked up? okay, maybe not so much angry angry, but more of a confused angry(yes, i know this sounds pretty weird too).

well, maybe it's cos people don't give up seats for them anymore. so sad, so very sad.

oh hello blogger, how have you been?

2011-04-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

i have decided to keep both tumblr and blogger cos i can't seem to let go of either one. so as of now, the tumblr's for pictures and blogger's for everything else.

uh oh.

2011-01-24T04:12:00.000-08:00

okay, before i carry on, i must first admit that i've hit rock bottom recently. as you can see(look below and you'll understand), i've run out of things to write about. or perhaps, my life's just not as happening and interesting as it was before. now, my friends, this is what i call a "slump". and the thing about slumps is that you have to get out of them quick, or you'll be stuck for quite a long time.

however, i would like to think that my "slump" is unique. i have no shortage of content; rather, my problem is arranging it into something coherent and elegant. in other words, choosing the right words to tell my story. that's the real problem here.

yay.

2011-01-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

i finally finished reading the manga series titled "samurai deeper kyo". in my opinion, it's a good manga cos it has some pretty deep concepts that i particularly like. and i also feel it's a pretty inspiring manga with interesting characters and a simple(but a little too predictable though) plot. anyway, i must say it's been keeping me busy at my computer for the past month.

now that i've finished this manga series, i hope to continue where i've left off for all the other things i've been neglecting in order to finish reading this series as soon as possible. things like reading the newspaper, catching up on the latest Time magazines and reading some new books.

ah, life is jolly good.

reflections at midnight.

2011-01-21T07:58:00.000-08:00

"men who like to think themselves to be great often make those around them feel small;

but in truth, great men are the ones that make those around them feel greater than they actually are."

securing the win.

2011-01-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

sometimes, victory seems so faraway.

maybe it would be better to put little goals along the way in order to achieve ultimate victory.

after all, we are only human.

it's sad to watch what you've built with your own two hands fall apart; like sandcastles ravaged by the raging waves.

but it's sadder to know that everything fell apart because of your own undoing; impatience, greed and a lack of self-discipline.

er, when was this again?!

2011-01-03T03:18:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, there have been four defining moments in my NS/BMT/SAF journey thus far. Others may feel that these defining moments are not significant at all; but to me, they mean a lot to me and some have changed me for better. The first would be the presentation of our rifles. The second would be the first day of field camp which we just had on Monday(100510). And third would be during a gym briefing by Singapore’s only professional boxer and Dragon Coy’s most prominent FI, FI Mohamad Nor Rizan. Finally, the last one would be meeting my platoon mates who were from ITE.

I guess I’ll begin with the presentation of the rifles. On the day of the presentation, I awoke at 0340 unexpectedly, only to realise that it was way too early for reveille, which was at 0530. However, “reveille” for that morning came in quite an unexpected fashion. Yes, a turn-up(is that what we call it?) at 0345; five minutes after I had just closed my weary eyes to catch a snooze before the actual reveille timing of 0530. I awoke to sergeants shouting and screaming orders everywhere(especially right to my face), the clunking sound of unseasoned boots and more importantly, the all too common phrases that were shouted in the bunks on my level, “KNN, WHY LIDDAT?!” and “W T F IS GOING ON?!” and best one by far, “WHERE MY GARTERS SIAH?! CB LAH!” simply put, the whole entire company was in a mess. We assembled at the hard court and marched(I was so tired and sleepy that day that I can scarcely remember whether we were marching or not. So did we march or run?) half awake to the statue of the soldier in SBO near the TFT. We formed up in our platoons and subsequently received our rifles from our respective Platoon Commanders. Before receiving our rifles, we were told to say, “With this weapon, I will defend my country.” When I heard it the first time, I was like, “Me? Defend the country? No, no, no. This must be some mistake. I’m just a PES C soldier just trying to do my time. Don’t get me involved.” But as BMT passed by day by day and week by week, I realised that it was a call for us to stop having thoughts like those aforementioned. It was a call of inclusion. It was a call of sorts to tell us that it doesn’t matter what you did in your past or who you were before or your education level or most importantly, your PES status. Everyone, well almost everyone, is called upon to serve and defend. Well, I guess these are my thoughts on that event and that is why I chose this as a defining moment in my NS/BMT/SAF journey.

Secondly, there was field camp. I felt that field camp started on a rocky start because of the infamous “blackberry and cash theft” incident that happened in Platoon 4 Section 3’s bunk. There was like “mini stand by universe” in bunk, for which we had to take out every single item in our cupboards and remove our mattresses and bedsheets and lay them on the ground for our Section Commander to inspect. That was troublesome and a little tiring I guess. And there was also the 3km route march that sapped up whatever energy we had left for that morning(I guess you could say that I am weak la). The sun, much to our dismay, was also of little help, and with our SBO on, quite a handful of us suffered from heat exhaustion and had great difficulty pitching our bashas. And when night came, I learnt I had to do guard duty at the front entrance for two more hours before I could rest for the day(at 2300). Guard duty felt like forever and it was made worse by the fact that my buddy and I had left our watches in our field packs. Sleep was the reward of the day and I guess when our guard duty was over for my buddy and I, we felt that we had rightfully earned that sleep and there was that small little sense of accomplishment. It was almost like catching a glimpse of heaven(metaphorically, yes?) when we went to sleep(in this case, being in heaven would be sleeping at the bunk) and the feeling was awesome. Well, sort of.

Next up, there was gym briefing given by FI Mohamad Nor Rizan during one of the gym sessions. This briefing was special to me because he said something that kind of struck me in a way and this was what he said, “Do and give your best at all times. And should you fail, don't allow these disappointments to discourage you; Instead, listen to that silent voice in your heart that says, I will try again tomorrow.”(or words to that effect, because I couldn’t catch the second part clearly). I figured that giving, doing and trying to be at your best at all times gives you a sense of accomplishment and more importantly, it lets you book out for that week with your head held up high and without any regrets. Being at one’s best at all times isn’t an easy job and I needed motivation really bad. I guess what he said did help a lot, especially during the AC sessions and when we were all training for our IPPT.

Finally, there was me getting to know my platoon mates who were from ITE. Prior to NS, I had never met or known anyone from ITE, so whatever I knew(or thought I knew) about ITE students or graduates was pretty much based on negative and stereotypical views and opinions of Singaporean society. I’ve been told to watch out for ITE students and graduates in the army by friends who have ORD-ed because they say that ITE students and graduates are all “pai kias” and all. So I was pleasantly surprised to know that I have been misinformed when I met my platoon mates, of which a sizeable number were from ITE, as most of them were nice people(despite some of them having difficult childhoods or growing up years) and surprisingly, they are also the ones that contributed greatly to the platoon and are always willing to share what little they have with everyone. At this juncture, I must say that it is a blessing to have entered PES C, or else I would not have met them and would ended up serving with the typical “stuck up” JC batch that still has a prejudice against students and graduates from ITE. So why do I think that this is a defining moment? Well, it’s because I’ve come to this realisation; the old adage that says, “education is what makes a man”, is only true to a certain extent because what I think really makes a man now is not his level of education, but rather, it is the choices he makes each day when he awakes from his sleep that will dictate whether or not he is a man.

Well, these are what I think are my defining moments at the SAF thus far although most of them revolve around very simple and mundane activities. I hope and look forward to experiencing and learning more in our last 2 weeks of BMT.

REC POON WEI QUAN ALEX JONATHAN D4109

- what you've just read is one of the assignments we had to submit during BMT. it was a good one because it made me appreciate the little things in life; early book-outs, food to eat, a bed to sleep on and books, magazines and newspapers to read.

life is awesome.

hopes and dreams of 2011.

2011-01-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

i write this lil' entry with great hopes and expectations for the year of 2011. i pray that it'll be a jolly good year filled with surprises and adventures. i've got about one year and three months till i ORD and i hope to make the best out of what's my two year tour(i refuse to call it my "two year liability" anymore because it sounds really negative). and right now, i hope to finish some of the items on my to-do list such as completing a half and full marathon, making things right and apologising for all the wrong i've done in the past 19-odd years, making an extra effort to catch up with old friends and maybe perhaps, at the end of the year, letting go(for some things are beyond our control) and forgiving myself for the things i cannot accomplish within the time period of this year.

with that being said(in this case, written), i wish everyone a happy new year's day and pray that everyone will have an awesome year ahead!

exciting!

2010-12-30T05:14:00.000-08:00

what happened?

2010-12-25T22:24:00.001-08:00

2011's just around the corner and with that being said and all, i guess now would be a good time to decide what to do with my remaining 1 year and 3 months plus of my NS life.

2010 went pretty well, except for the fact that i got injured in august, and that i gained whatever weight i had lost back at pasir laba, which is well, both sad and tragic. if only i had better self-control. anyway, this is the list for 2011;

1) lose weight. the goal is 72kg by the end of 2011.

2) join a team sport; club rugby? dragon-boating or something.

3) keep in touch with old friends.

4) driving license before i ORD(auto or manual?!).

yeah, that's pretty much it for now. i will prolly update the list again when it's actually 2011.

imagine.

2010-12-25T22:19:00.000-08:00

"everything that humans can imagine is a possibility in reality."

- Willy Karen

should i play again?

2010-12-23T03:39:00.001-08:00

every time i look at this picture, i always end up thinking about what the poor SA dude must have been saying to himself when he got lift tackled. hahaha. damn, poor guy.

anyway, i've been thinking of returning to the sport that i so proclaim to love(i gave sweat and limb[s]) just to make the team, but oh well, we'll save that sad story for another day). yes, and this is one helluva inspiring picture as well. so, club rugby? i'm not too sure how to go about it and who to join and all. a junior of mine did suggest joining him for blacks rfc training, but i don't think i'm ready.

and so everything's left hanging again.

anyway, merry christmas in advance to whoever that still reads my posts!

nice.

2010-12-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

maybe next time then.

2010-12-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

i guess my fiddling around with tumblr didn't go so well, hence my return to blogger.

i wasn't quite expecting to find myself back here; but after all, this is familiar ground and nothing quite beats the good ol' idiot-proof blogger user interface yeah?

anyway, everyone's favourite time of the year is here(yes, finally) and it's time for some good ol' reflecting; new goals, new targets and of course, new challenges for the new year ahead.

on a random note, i think now's a good time to say hello to friends whom i haven't seen or heard from in quite awhile.

moved over for awhile.

2010-11-26T08:18:00.001-08:00

i figured it was about time i caught up with the tumblr craze and so i got myself a space there.

cloudsinmycoffeeandtea.tumblr.com

same old boring shit, nice new look.

over and out.

grateful.

2010-10-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

thanks a lot God, it could have been worse.

prayer.

2010-10-16T04:08:00.000-07:00

Lord, give me strength.

2010-10-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

brace thyself.

2010-10-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

there will be no weakness;

brace yourself.

not quite there yet.

2010-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

i really need to know what's wrong with my back so i can decide what to do next.

the dangers of being a youth.

2010-09-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

as my days as a youth, perhaps not in the legal definition of the word youth(legally speaking, surely it is too broad a category), are numbered, i figured it was a good idea to take a day off to think about what it means to be a youth. yes, think regrets, mistakes, triumphs and happy moments(yes, there are happy moments, despite the choice of title for this post).

1) being too naive. as a youth, i spent much of my time trusting and believing too much in others; at the end of the day, it was all for nought. the painful reality of this world is as such; there is no one you can truly trust and one day, when it all comes crumbling down, you'll have to learn what it is like to fight on all your own again, alone.

2) emotions; they aren't always as bad as you were told they were. often at times, people tell us that emotions should be controlled and that some forms of emotion were forbidden(anger, sadness, what have you). but at the end of the day, they, despite all that suppression, will still bite you in the ass, literally. so for all that it's worth, if you're feeling something and you feel like doing something to express it, go ahead, do it. but hey, don't kill someone else while you're at it.

3) winning isn't everything. well, or at least that's what i'd like to think for now. technique is key. winning comes after you've got the right techniques, so don't rush whatever you're doing just so that you can win.

4) forgetting is simple; but whatever you forgot is going to hurt you really bad once you've finally remembered. so i guess the general rule of thumb is to remember, both good and bad, before it's too late. if this all sounds queer, weird and irrelevant right now, take awhile for it soak right in; trust me, you'll get it in a few years time.

5) enjoy your youth while you still can. sure, you can still complain about homework, school, training and what not. but know this, school is the best place to be. no one will crucify you(okay, some of us will bleed, but hey, no one dies right?) for your mistakes and there's still time to learn from them. once you're out of school, the world will suddenly seem like a very nasty place.

on a random note,

you were all my brothers;

i would have bled for you, died for you and killed for you.

but you

would you have done all those for me?

no, i didn't think so.

ah, i must say, the concept of brotherhood still eludes me.

easier said than done.

2010-09-18T22:44:00.001-07:00

i've been pretty angry over the past few weeks.

angry at myself for rushing at the gym and getting myself injured. sure, that's one.

two, i'm angry at my lack of motivation and my indecisiveness to get anything done during the weekends(i haven't read my Time and Fortune magazines yet).

three, there is someone(or rather, something) i want to kill badly, but due to certain parameters, circumstances and consequences that might await me, should i decide upon such a choice, he is going to live.

amongst the three, the third bothers me the most.

i have reason to believe he is craving attention and love(in his own twisted way), so hey, why feed him anyway. i have never met someone like that before and i must say; anger is an interesting feeling. but now i know i must detach that feeling from myself, so that i may have control over my Self.

the minstrel boy.

2010-09-17T22:47:00.000-07:00

The Minstrel Boy to the war is gone
In the ranks of death you will find him
His father's sword he hath girded on
And his wild harp slung behind him
"Land of Song!" said the warrior bard
"Tho' all the world betrays thee
One sword at least thy rights shall guard
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel fell! But the foeman's chain
Could not bring that proud soul under
The harp he lov'd ne'er spoke again
For he tore its chords asunder
And said "No chains shall sully thee
Thou soul of love and brav'ry!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free
They shall never sound in slavery!"

"Land of Song!" said the warrior bard
"Tho' all the world betrays thee
One sword at least thy rights shall guard
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

if i cannot, then i must.

2010-09-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

it's the weekend again and like all other weekends, it will soon come to a quick and abrupt end.

on a brighter note, next week is the last week of my "stay" at pasir laba. i must admit that i will miss the place; the gym(except the squats machine on the ground floor[i swear it's cursed!]), the IPPT running route, the specialist mess, the legendary SGD$2.10 burger, the cheap(SGD$0.20/game) Marvel vs Capcom games, the nice aunties(except the really cranky one who serves the soup) at the cookhouse, the simple cookhouse food, the school itself and most of all, the company(well, most of 'em at least).

i don't know what to expect after next week, so i'll keep my fingers crossed.

if i cannot, then i must.

list.

2010-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

i figured that now's a good time to have a list of things to do before i ORD and get my pink NRIC back. okay, so here goes;

1) run a couple of races : 10km, 21plus(half-marathon) and perhaps, the 42km.

2) find something to do on weekends?

- teach cat class?

- try out a new sport(maybe dragon boating?)

3) catch up regularly with friends from all over(primary school, secondary school, jc, what have you).

4) go on a holiday.

5) facilitate in a few more confirmation camps before i become an old fart.

no more, no more.

2010-09-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

no more mistakes, not anymore.

this cannot go on.

i will make a stand,

a conscious choice.

damn, this is good.

2010-09-09T09:02:00.001-07:00

the days go by oh so slow.

2010-09-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

i can't seem to be able to write about anything these days; it always seems like i'm occupied and worrying about something, something of which i know nothing of. i wake up every morning thinking of the "what-ifs" and the "maybes" and i guess because of these thoughts, i don't really seem to enjoy my days anymore. to be honest, there isn't very much to enjoy either. my days are long and tiring and there's nothing much to look forward to, except, perhaps a full recovery(and diagnosis) and uni.

in order to forgive others, you must first learn to forgive yourself.

never too late.

2010-09-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

that's one off the chest; many more to go.

it is usually best to admit mistakes when they occur and to seek to restore honour.

today was a good day

2010-09-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

yes, today was a good day.

it was a day of catching up with old friends from yesteryear and from previous phases of my life. i saw childhood friends at church, secondary school friends at plaza singapura and had dinner with my friends from jc. it was nice to have a lil' catch up, having not seen many of them for like years(yes, you read it right, years).

on a random note, smota needs facils from confi camp again next year. i totally cannot wait and i really hope God will let me help out again.

argh.

2010-09-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

my first attempt at fiddling around with tumblr is a total failure. i don't really want to elaborate much about what happened, but just know this; i don't think i'm cut out for tumblr.

i can't seem to be able to write anything when i'm on tumblr. it's weird mann.

anyway, recovery's going well. 280lbs/127kg, i will conquer you, real soon(i already did la, cos my 1RM was about 300 lbs)!

on the long road to recovery.

2010-08-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

it needs to hurry, really.
i want my strength back.
real bad.

new hero(ine).

2010-08-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

the yog's been a crazy eye-opener for me so far. singapore's youth soccer team is doing awesome. medals for swimming and taekwondo. but nothing inspires me more than clara wong, singapore's triathalon representative.

she didn't give up and pull out of the race after a nasty collision(it wasn't even her fault in the first place) that made her plummet from 11th to 30th position(which was last, cos korea and kazakhstan's reps were too badly injured to carry on and pulled out). she was kinda injured too, but she finished off pretty strong; pushing all the way. she's crazy, but in an awesome way.

i don't quite know how to put this, but i really want to shake her hand(it would be a great honour)! it's like how i shook anne's(some speaker who spoke at smota's confi camp this year) hand; it's that strong feeling you get and it's like a now or never thing; it's screaming out to you, literally.

awesome stuff mann, really awesome.

monster.

2010-08-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

i don't quite understand why some people have to make life so difficult for others.
is it the thrill they get; being so close to danger, flirting with death constantly?
or is it that they are not normal anymore; constantly treading on the thin line separating sanity from insanity?
or that they are not capable of logic; beings so intent on forcing their twisted thoughts and wills on others?

there is one only way to stop them, these monsters.
total destruction; that is the only way one can end this madness.

and that is how i plan to end it.

it will be done.

i'm sure of it.

2010-08-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

i don't know how i am going to do it.
i know not the hour of its coming.
but there is one thing i am sure of;
we are all capable of greatness.

i will get there, somehow.
because this time, destiny is a friend.
i can feel it.

in thee i trust.

hope it goes away.

2010-08-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

pain lets me know i am alive; but this time round, it might be more than i can handle.

but the show must go on.

2010-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

i'm praying that i recover soon, cos i'm starting to miss jogging, running and gym-ing already. on a random note, my back still feels kinda funny though.

maybe it's time i think about what i really want in life; slowly and carefully.

today is Day 2.

2010-08-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

i received a really touching sms from an old friend today;

one fine day, all of us will get busy with our lives;
long working hours, less friends, less meetings, no smses, no more late night chatting, we won't even have time for ourselves.

on such a day, you'll look outside your window and see the good old memories flash you by and you'll smile, with a tear in your eyes. and you'll turn back to your work, thinking, "i wish i could go back..."

send this message to all those who have helped create such memories.

ah, it's nice to be remembered. especially now, when it matters most.

to redeem one's honour.

2010-08-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

getting injured is a humbling experience; it reminds me that no matter how strong you are, you are bound to break down one day, simply because no man is machine. one moment i was squatting 280 pounds, or 127 kg, and in the next, i was sitting(or perhaps, lying) my sorry ass on the gym floor, trying to put the pieces back together; trying to make sense of what was going on. being injured reminds me that i cannot fight this battle alone; i need the people around me. it makes me appreciate what i have; right here and right now.

the pain was(and still is) unbearable; i was(still am) cursing at every breath, promising the good Lord that i would give something up to make it all go away. ah, something to pray for and about for the next few days i guess.

if you're going through hell, keep going.

issues.

2010-08-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

i don't quite know what's happening to me these days; i can't seem to relate to people anymore. i am unable to strike up a conversation with people i want to get to know. in the past, this wouldn't be much of a problem. but for some reason, it is now. my mind seems preoccupied; like there is something calling out to me. something that i haven't quite figured out.

the stillness before battle is unbearable, such a quiet dread.

leaves from the vine(extended).

2010-08-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

leaves from the vine,
falling so slow,
like fragile tiny shells,
drifting in the foam.
little soldier boy,
come marching home.
brave soldier boy,
comes marching home.

those leaves did fall,
from branches overgrown.
drifting slowly down,
resting on the loam.
little soldier boy,
taken from home,
forced to fight a war;
that's not his own.

leaves from the vine,
falling so slow,
like fragile tiny shells,
drifting in the foam.
little soldier boy says, "carry me home."
sleeping soldier boy,
is carried home.

-i don't know who wrote the extended version, but for me, the original was more than enough to make me tear. because of this song, i have made episode 35, "tales from ba sing se", my favourite episode of the whole avatar series.

General Iroh.

2010-07-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

"it is best to admit mistakes when they occur, and to seek to restore honour."

- General Iroh in "Avatar: The Last Airbender", episode 35; tales from Ba Sing Se.

Iroh's the man alright.

sword of the new world.

2010-07-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

i will not settle for second best,

i am sick and tired of this.

i will not allow these people to predict and set a course for my future;

i am the captain of my soul and the master of my own destiny.

i will not falter;

i must not sway.

and for all the regrets and wrongs;

i will begin anew today(and perhaps right the wrongs someday).

i will not settle for second best;

because there is simply no other way.

for those who have given me a chance to prove myself in some way or another; thank you.

and on this day i remember a very special teacher, Mrs Anne Lim from Saint Anthony's Primary School(Singapore), whom i have not seen in years and have foolishly forgotten. i hope to see her again soon.

FMS.

2010-07-23T04:52:00.000-07:00

as my bunk mate once said, "this is bullshit!" and rightly so.

right shoulder seems a little injured so i don't think i will be going down for past vs present after all.

past vs present.

2010-07-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

to go or not to go;

that is the question.

today is Saturday.

2010-07-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

i awake, with great precision, to a cold morning at 10am, otherwise known as 1000 in the army(i must say that this is a luxury that i have not enjoyed in a long time). i get out of bed and begin boiling my water. the wait keeps me thinking about how nice it would be to have a cup of Milo; 3 teaspoons of Milo, a bit of sugar, some hot water and a good dose of fresh milk. ah, the simple joys of life. the water stops boiling and i proceed with preparing my choice beverage and after its completion, i take a sip; it is divine.

breakfast is simple. some cookies and the aforementioned cup of Milo. after a good 10 minutes, it is finished. while i place my cup into the sink, i make a mental checklist of the things i have to do for the day and realise that much of today's going to be spent cleaning up. there is nothing new about my realisation. ever since i enlisted, Saturdays have always been cleaning days; cleaning my field pack, washing my uniforms and PT kits, polishing my boots. it is a routine that i have come to terms with, but at times, it still bothers me because Saturday forms the bulk of my free time when i book out and here i am, washing and cleaning.

on the list(in no order or whatsoever);

1. remove clothes that were hung yesterday

2. wash uniforms

3. read my new fortune and time magazines

4. look for awesome music to listen to

5. blog

6. clean up room and pack wardrobe

7. wash the dishes

9. training run + sets.

10. watch some TV shows

i'm at number 5 now and i'm already halfway through 6.

ah, happy days.

complacent.

2010-07-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

whatever happened to "faster, stronger, better"?

where is that hunger? where is the fear?

all that remains is complacency;

a dangerous feeling, this one.

being Christian.

2010-07-10T09:40:00.001-07:00

not everyday is Sunday.

2010-07-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

on some days, you wake up with a purpose; you know what you want to do and how to go about doing it. with great enthusiasm and determination, you finish the tasks and challenges that you have set for yourself the night before. but on other days, you wake up feeling weak; physically and mentally unprepared for what lies ahead. a sense of dread looms over your head and dogs your every breath. your thoughts focus only on one thing; stopping.

but stopping is not an option; everyone knows that, but how many people will actually press on and finish off strong? that, my friend, is the true test.

this is the last week(for now at least)

2010-07-04T03:13:00.000-07:00

this is it mann.

game on.

maybe we do forget.

2010-07-03T09:51:00.001-07:00

what is it like to be pure and innocent of heart?

like that of a child.

what is it like to be persistent and resilient?

just like a child.

what is it like to desire simple joys in life and be satisfied by them?

like how a child would.

what is it like to both give and receive love graciously?

just as a child does.

what is it like to treasure everything you have?

like how a child will.

what is it like to forgive and forget?

just as how children do.

what is it like to be curious and unafraid of the consequences?

like how children are.

what is it like to have something to look forward to everyday?

just as how children do.

what is it like to talk to God with nothing holding you back?

like how children pray.

what is it like to run around freely without a care in the world?

just as how children run.

what is it like to live each day without fears and regrets?

like how children do.

and the questions go on. to be honest, i have forgotten how it feels like to do so many of these things the way children do. what about you? have you forgotten as well?

helpless.

2010-07-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

i often ask myself this; how can i help others if i cannot help myself?

is it inevitable that we all, at some point of time in our lives, will lapse into sin?
like a shapeless void, it will consume your soul.
i pray for strength again, and if need be, courage too.
and i pray that this time, i will not falter.

amen.

question.

2010-07-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

do you believe in heaven?
i know i do.

rest in peace, good sir.

gratitude.

2010-06-25T04:38:00.000-07:00

it feels good to be back home after a long week.

feeling pretty satisfied with myself too, especially since my nights were well spent; reading, gymming, running and doing sets kind of sums up my daily(or rather, nightly) itinerary.

there is a need.

2010-06-20T04:54:00.000-07:00

only my best, only my best.

new week, new mindset.

2010-06-20T04:15:00.000-07:00

train train train, gym gym gym, run run run, learn learn learn, study study study, eat eat eat, clean clean clean, sleep sleep sleep.

let's go!

i smell the weekend.

2010-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

it is a good smell, the weekend; especially more so if the past few weekdays were fruitful.
there is always this sense of expectation and excitement when book-out day draws closer when one is in camp. but often, when it is finally book-out day, there is little, or in some cases, nothing, to look forward to when the weekends come around.

no one is ever free, or at least, no one is ever free when you are.
well, that is just part of the problem.

there is always cleaning to do, clothes to wash, things to be packed and put away, training programmes to be followed, newspapers to catch up on, notes to study, things to remember, books to read.

this is the weekend; all of the aforementioned crammed into 2 days, or some would argue, less.

it's times like that when i think to myself(i know this is gonna sound crazy), "damn, i miss army(BMT) life."

crazy huh.

bye bye paya lebar.

2010-06-13T04:17:00.000-07:00

for now at least.

it's a new week and there's a new camp to go to! and yes, i'm staying in(which means i won't be writing on weekdays anymore).

i'm praying very hard that i'll get the job and that none of us will get kicked out. pray for us too yeah?

focus with a capital F.

2010-06-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

today marks the end of week one at my new camp and unit. things are pretty fun so far and the people are awesome. but next week's going to be really unpredictable. some of us will stay, while others will go. on a lighter(and perhaps brighter) note, my new camp's so much nearer to my home.

-note to self: run run run run run tomorrow morning.

"why do i always forget?", that is the question i always end up asking myself.

it is a question that i, unfortunately, have no answer to.

ahh, that knock on the door.

2010-06-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

listen out for the day when opportunity knocks on your door;

the reason why so many people never get anywhere in life is because when opportunity knocks on their doors, they are out in their backyards, busy searching for four-leaf clovers.

point noted, thanks FI Nor Rizan.

i will still be giving my best.

all the way from paya lebar!

i can do it and i will do it.

2010-06-09T04:56:00.000-07:00

says it all, doesn't it?

hoo-rah.

2010-06-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

gotta hate the sin and not the sinner.

will you run with me?

2010-06-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

yes, that's the question.

The Hurt Locker.

2010-06-06T04:18:00.000-07:00

"You love playing with that. You love playing with all your stuffed animals. You love your Mommy, your Daddy. You love your pajamas. You love everything, don't ya? Yea. But you know what, buddy? As you get older... some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore. Like your Jack-in-a-Box. Maybe you'll realize it's just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal. And the older you get, the fewer things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it's only one or two things. With me, I think it's one."

- Staff Sergeant William James in "The Hurt Locker".

am i growing old?

2010-06-06T03:49:00.000-07:00

for some odd reason(s) that i cannot explain, i do not find joy in wasting time around anymore.
by wasting time, i mean unnecessarily spending precious seconds, minutes and hours deciding on where to go to eat or hang out or doing absolutely nothing at all or waiting for further instructions whilst not knowing what i'm about to do for the next few hours. i am beginning to value sleep. i am beginning to value speed and efficiency. i am beginning to value time.

i seek solace in quiet places and i find my peace in music; when everything around me's all quiet, i shut everyone/everything out and concentrate on what i'm listening to.

on a random note, i'm beginning to enjoy runs and sets again.

sometimes, i do forget

2010-06-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

i'll try to remember y'all more often, promise.

said mark twain.

2010-06-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

listening to happy songs.

2010-05-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

we the kings - she takes me high.