thoughts on 310711.

i sit quietly by the window, reminiscing the past; thinking about a time that these hallways and spaces were not so distant; filled with familiar names and faces. today, the hallways were packed, as they always are, but it just wasn't the same. faces and names; i knew a few. but what worries me most is that this sprawling compound i once called home has become a cold and empty shell; where is the friendly chatter that warms strangers up before a hot meal? what of the tireless face painters who could turn man into beast with their artful strokes? the old man at the table who strikes up a happy and random conversation with just about anyone? the plump lady in the black blouse with rose petals printed on who would give you a jolly good bargain for her delicious shepherd's pies if you had the courage to ask; where is she now? where is that happy gathering of old friends; seated at table with drink in one hand and chicken wing in the other; sharing enthusiastic plans for the future and laughing and smiling about each other's dreams. where have they all gone?

these and more have become less commonplace in what we call a "funfair" and only exist as distant memories; little happy fragments, now stored away in some lonely, obscure corner of my brain. if i were to put a word to it, i would choose "moribund"; in terminal decline; at the point of death. no, it is not God who is dead; it is the people. that warmth(and energy); this i know, is most lacking.

now all there is left is a certain chill; like that of the cold wind that whistles through the tiny gap in the window where i now sit.

thoughts on optimism.

"lasting optimism has one essential ally; reason. any optimism that is unreasonable is bound to be dashed by reality, leading to even more unhappiness. optimism, therefore, must be always be illuminated by the gentle, purging light of reason and be unshakeably grounded in sanity of mind, so that pessimism becomes a foolish, short-sighted attitude. what this means-resonableness being the tepid, inglorious thing it is-is that optimism can only arise only from small but undeniable achievements."

- Yann Martel, The Facts behind the Helsinki Roccamatios

my image of God.

"facils, please pass around the materials that the confirmands will use to form their image of God."

upon hearing that, i passed around a stack of paper and broke the big block of plasticine into smaller pieces, one for each confirmand. some of them didn't want their little blobs of plasticine, so i took those and rolled everything into a ball. as i was rolling, i pondered upon what my God looked like; honestly speaking, i never did spend any time at all(in my twenty years of life) thinking about God's appearance. i pretty much left that to the Church and the media to decide; an old man with greying hair and a wise beard, or perhaps an angry cloud accompanied by a couple of lightning bolts, or maybe even black man who spends his free time cleaning an empty building(yes, that was God in Bruce Almighty).

as i rolled the dark grey plasticine in my two hands, i realised that its colour was changing to that of a seasoned eraser; those with a touch of light grey after repeated and frequent use. and then at that moment, it struck me. God was an eraser.

God(to me) is an eraser(a magical one that will never ever diminish in size) and the world we live in is his canvas; we are the pencils. everyday, we go about our lives and make decisions; like pencils drawing/writing on the canvas, we leave behind marks, sketches and scribbles. throughout the whole process, the pencils get shorter by the day and one day, they will outlive their purpose and be unable to draw on the canvas anymore. likewise, we grow tired, old and eventually, we die. and throughout our lives, we don't make good decisions all the time and these are times that God comes out and says, "there, there, lemme erase that for you."

with those gentle words, our wrongs are righted and the canvas is clean again.

what's going on here?

i use different behavioural sets/patterns(for easier reading, i'll use the word "personalities") in different situations in order to achieve my aims and objectives.

when wearing green, i act as how men in green should act; i aim for detail, precision, and more importantly, speed. so it's just one objective after another till i'm done. i care not for things that do not benefit me or get me closer to my objective and more often than not, i throw these things out the window before they even get to me. i am careful with my words and think through conversations in my head again and again and again until the moment of the actual conversation; at this moment, i hope to have covered all possible scenarios that might occur. such conversations do not have life within themselves and are often dull; and when something out of the ordinary is said, the surprises are often unpleasant ones.

but on the flipside, there's an easy-going side of me that likes to live in the now; a no worries, laid-back and all kinda personality. this one is confident about speaking and knows how to find his way around conversations, is not highly strung(unlike the former), makes a conscious effort to get to know people better through mindless banter and utter nonsense, spends a great deal of time thinking about all kinds of things but doesn't commit to the first idea that comes to mind; he speaks freely and without restraint.

the unusual thing is that both of these are my Selfs; they are both within me but when left to wander freely, they are like a battle within my body, a paradox of sorts. how can one be so uptight, while the other is so relaxed and laid-back; all at the same time? the thoughts i think are often hazy and belong to neither of the Selfs; they do not aid my being. now i often find myself speaking hastily, only to end up correcting myself seconds later; there is this confusion within myself. my train of thought is one that travels on crooked rails; and many a time has it been derailed by my confusion.

then now, the question is this, how can i achieve consistency? how are others able to have a "one personality fits all" scenario? i have seen friends do it and their answer is to be yourself. but what if i don't see it in my true Self to be able to accomplish the tasks ahead of me? how do i employ my other Selfs i have within me? how do i maintain a clear head and full control over them?

on a random note, is it just me going crazy, or do these "personality clashes" happen to others as well?

there is a quiet admiration.

she casually abandons her flip-flops and walks in the sand; without a care in the world. undeterred by its unhealthy complexion, she sits with the sand and allows the gentle sea breeze to flow through her hair; long silky hair that moves gracefully like a flag in the wind. she sits, unfazed by the heat, in the glory of the sun; she hides not from its rays. she cares little about the things around her; the smoking charcoal, the loud noise that is our cheering and jeering, friends calling out to her, the kite that flutters on in the tree; long forgotten and destined to adorn the pit forever. these are all futile attempts at disrupting her quiet contemplation and recollection; the rustling leaves have drowned out all these empty sounds.

uninterrupted, she gazes far off into the horizon and is lost in her own thoughts; her own world. and at that moment, i realise how beautiful she is. she is one with nature and nature is one with her. and that to me, is beautiful in itself. and such beauty, is beauty worth admiring.

the rememberer.

champion of the forgotten; nameless faces and faceless names.
keeper of dreams cast aside; broken worlds and shattered ideals.
bearer of secrets; untold and long buried.
bookman of dates; for the ones left unremembered and uncelebrated.

these names he is called; but the rememberer is he.

thoughts on dreams.

a dream can be either be a courageous challenge or hopeless escapism. and with that being said, Lord, i pray that my dreams be courageous challenges, rather than thoughts centred around escaping the cruel reality that surrounds me.