make it go away.

dear God, please make these evil thoughts go away.

amen.

believe it or not, we "die" everyday.

every night, we hand our bodies over to sleep.
when we fall asleep each night, our consciousness subsides.
and at that point, there is no ego, nothing. no happiness, no anxiety, no fear, no light, no darkness. only oblivion.

and we dream till our consciousness awakens.

every single night we experience death.

machine.

keep up the clockwork
and don't forget to the oil the gears.
keep on toiling.
all oil and no blood.

keep hacking.
one tree, two trees, three trees, four...
one by one and watch them fall.
all metal and no flesh.

what then, is the purpose?
what of its meaningless toil?
there is no end to it.
a being of no purpose and no soul.

overdrive.

need something to kickstart my overdrive.

we will succeed.

ours is no lost generation.
we will create history.
we will create our own destiny,
with our own two hands.

running out time.

just keep running,
if it keeps you alive.

feet on the gravel,
feet on the sand.
the pounding footsteps,
the constant beat.

keep to the beat,
you've got to catch up with the rest.
the race leader,
he's your man.

heavy breathing,
sweat in my eyes.
no more other thoughts in my head,
just the finish line before my eyes.

heroes.

awkwardly, the dictionary defines the hero as an individual who is distinguished by feats of great courage and skill and who possesses a heightened sense of morality.
it clearly misses out the part that says that heroes are usually individuals that are dead.

as Ira Hayes in "flags of our fathers" bluntly puts it, "i am not a hero. the real heroes are the ones that are dead on that island."

heroes.

men and women who gave their lives in service of others, for values that they held dear and to fight for beliefs that strongly believed in.

heroes.

something everyone needs. to follow. to emulate. to hope for.

heroes.

something marketable. something to sell. something to create. something to fabricate.

heroes.

buried today, forgotten tomorrow.

go do a search on this guy.
"muelmar magallanes" was his name. he saved over thirty people, including his family, in the flood in manila. after which he took a break on higher ground. but then he heard a cry for help from a mother, who had a baby girl. the baby girl was drifting away in a polystyrene box in the strong waters and so he decided to go back in one last time. he saved the both the girl and her mother.

but he didn't make it. according to reports, he was swept away by the strong waters because he was exhausted after saving so many people. he was 18. at 18, not many of us would have done what he did.

may his soul rest in peace and may God take him into His Kingdom.
and he was, and is, what i call a true hero.
i just wish that the world had more people like him, alive, well and around.

and for one last time,
the waves will dance for you.
for one last time,
you will the see the sky in shades of grey.

for you are in a better place now,
adorned with wings and halo.
high above us,
where the sky is forever blue.

penny for your thoughts.

i don't quite understand why some people like to tell others what to do so much.
is it their weird way of encouraging people to do what they want to do?
or is it merely a weak attempt to put others down?
i am confused.

you ask me, "why did you join rugby for(if you can't even hold on to the damned basketball)?!"
in the struggle(which i prefer to call a melee) for the ball, i did think of a lot of things.

1) why hold on to the damned ball anyway. surely our friendship is more important than the ball.
2) why risk anyone getting injured over a stupid game of basketball. i mean, not that it's a tourney or something.
3) why hold on if i'm tired anyway. letting go was the much easier thing to do.

i really felt that the statement you made was not really necessary.
in basketball, i don't suppose i'm allowed to crash into you like i do with the tackle shield like i used to do on the pitch right?

maybe it was a moment of folly for you, cos you let your thoughts out loud. it's fine, that i can forgive. but lately, you've been ranting about my indecisiveness and my lacklustre attitude to things around me and all. indecisiveness usually comes about when an individual has problems choosing because of the consequences that he or she has to face when making choices. i prefer to hear the opinions of others before making the my decisions so i can decide on the best possible option. surely, open-mindedness is not a sin. and other times, not everyone enjoys the same degree of freedom that you enjoy. household chores are not a thing that bothers you. going out is so much easier for you than it is for me. i have to answer tom people who are more important to me than y'all are.

life isn't that simple.
but it doesn't have to be that complicated either.

good things come in threes.

on days like these, i am very thankful.

this is something.

desperate to find songs that i used to have on my old computer, i decided to start writing the titles of songs that i could still remember.

i was scribbling away until i reached this song titled "image of the invisible" by a band called thrice. i remember it to be one of those loud songs that could drown out the noise around me and all, so i decided to go check it out again. prior to today, i've never heard any of their other songs so i though to myself; maybe today's a good day to do just that.

so along with image of the invisible, i found four more.
"broken lungs", "music box", "a song for milly michaelson" and "come all ye weary".

good stuff mann. amongst the 5 of them, "a song for milly michaelson" is my favourite for now.
even more so after i found out the possible background info for the song. apparently, fans speculate that it's related to a 1986 movie called "the boy who could fly". the movie is a sad one. check wiki if you don't believe me. but it does have a bittersweet ending. just know that the boy lost both his parents in a plane crash and doesn't appear to be "normal" and all at the beginning, apparently suffering from autism. he does not talk to anyone and only reacts to this one girl named milly, one of his neighbours. then one day milly is reaching for a rose when she falls over and hits her head against something and falls even further. she awakes to find herself with only a head injury and nothing else. during the course of the fall, she dreams that she and eric, the boy, are flying and that he was the one saved her.

the story gets complicated here, but just know that the boy really flies. but has to leave milly in order to escape the authorities that want to remove him from custody of his drunk uncle and who also want to capture him in the name of science and experimentation. anyway, wiki was my main reference for this post, so if there are any errors or whatsoever, go check wiki again or something. ain't my fault. sounds like a good movie though. and the song is calming and meaningful.

she's kinda right.

because there's more to life than the view from your bedroom window.

-not my quote. i'm not the kind to think of good quotes like this.

first class.

what does it truly mean to be first class?
i really wonder.

untitled 2.

today is a special day.
it is not freedom, nor liberation.
it is empowerment.
destiny calls.

the clown.

a man goes to doctor. and says that he's depressed and that life seems harsh and cruel. he also says that he feels all alone in in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. the doctor replies, "the treatment is simple. the great clown pagliacci is in town tonight. go and see him and that should pick you up." at that moment, the man bursts into tears, saying, "but doctor, i am pagliacci."



-the above is a part i remember from the Watchmen graphic novel. it was a good read. although the visuals were a lot less appealing than most graphic novels of today(think marvel), i must say that the story was good.

because free will doesn't come in a microwavable packaging.

people often tell me that we, as humans, have the right to free will, that is, the freedom to choose anything in particular. but i think freedom of choice, along with free will, are blurry concepts that no one can seem to agree on.

how does one define free will? to what degree of freedom does free will entitle you?

beats me. go try asking your teachers(although i am inclined to believe that they will tell you whatever free will entitles them to...which is close too little, or at worst, nothing at all.).

at this present stage of our lives, we are faced with decisions everyday and consequently, have choices to make. but honestly, how many of our choices are actually "free" so to speak? rationally speaking, many of our choices are made based on the foreknowledge of what is to happen or simply put, consequences of making such a choice. then in such a case, how is our will free anymore? yes, we may have the freedom to choose but surely, our choices are hindered by the existence and our knowledge of consequence.

because of consequence, we usually choose the choice that will result in the best outcome.
because of consequence, we are afraid to choose the choices less chosen.
because of consequence, we do not defy the social norms.
because of consequence, we are hindered; and our potential, untapped.

thus, i conclude that free will is anything but free as it is hindered by our knowledge of the consequences of making what society and individuals around us deem as the "wrong" choices.

on a random note, if only i had though of this three years earlier. i think would have made quite a ruckus back then, although i admit that creating a commontion would not have been one of the objectives.

getting answers, however, still is.

there will be no maybes and what-ifs.

maybe it's a lot harder than i thought.
maybe it's harder than i think it is.
whatever the case,
i will do it.

uninspired.

i don't like this feeling.
make it disappear.
make it go away.

[even if the morrow is barren of promises,
nothing shall forestall my return.]

nice, very nice.

yesterday, i learnt that money does drop from the sky.
okay, maybe not everytime, but at least, occasionally.
$50 in about two hours is good money.

yesterday i learnt that there is joy in small victories.
i thought economics was a goner.
but hey, i got an E.

today, i found out i got 20/25 for my economics essays.
and hence, the reason for the E, even despite flunking out on the case studies.

when i listen to the old songs we used to listen to
it reminds me a lot about you.
but it means little to me now,
cos to me, you're just not the same anymore.

i wrote that?!

i made a mistake before the police cup.
i don't know why i put this up in august last year.

i would have followed you to the end.
my brother,
my captain,
my king.

it sounded as if i had given up back then. really. what the hell was i thinking anyway.
would is so not a good word to use in this case.

suicide isn't an option.

dear friend,

i know you may not read this since it's the aftermath of the prelims.
and that means everyone is, well, very much upset. including you and me and quite a few others too. i am an idealist, a dreamer, an optimist while you are the realist, the cynicist, the eternal pessimist. between the two worlds, none of them are better, simply because both are extremes. with 39 days left, 5 As is a tall order, no doubt. but surely, there is something you can do. and perhaps, something i can do.

sometimes, the answers are in our heads and it's just that we couldn't cough 'em out in time. or perhaps we were so caught up with our race against time that we overlooked the lil' details. whichever the case, 39 days might be the key.

'sides, it's the last thing we have left. let's make a deal, shall we?

with these 39 days, you must stop being such a pessimist. really, i admire your courage in making decisions and i like the way you reason things out. and at one point of time in my 2 years of jc life, i should have listened to you(this is the part you'll say, "hate to say i told you so." but really, pride is a troublesome thing.). but sometimes, it takes away the magic. i have a friend whose girlfriend had 4 Us for prelims but who got all As for her "A" Levels. magical? indeed. but like you said before, it's all hard work. yes, an i agree. i, on the other hand, have to be less sloppy with the way i do things. i have to make sure i know everything. not just the bare minumum. or what i think is important. i must be as hard a worker as you. i must force myself to do more. and we will not think about going down or all that rubbish because there are no other ways, but upward and onward.

and one more thing, suicide is not an option. don't even think about it. yes, it's permanent relief for your worries and troubles. but what good does that do? we'll miss you. and so will your other friends. and there's so much more to experience. think about it.

so in the meantime, sort out your thoughts and i'll sort mine.
and of course, be well my friend.

i'll see you soon.