the dangers of being a youth.

as my days as a youth, perhaps not in the legal definition of the word youth(legally speaking, surely it is too broad a category), are numbered, i figured it was a good idea to take a day off to think about what it means to be a youth. yes, think regrets, mistakes, triumphs and happy moments(yes, there are happy moments, despite the choice of title for this post).

1) being too naive. as a youth, i spent much of my time trusting and believing too much in others; at the end of the day, it was all for nought. the painful reality of this world is as such; there is no one you can truly trust and one day, when it all comes crumbling down, you'll have to learn what it is like to fight on all your own again, alone.

2) emotions; they aren't always as bad as you were told they were. often at times, people tell us that emotions should be controlled and that some forms of emotion were forbidden(anger, sadness, what have you). but at the end of the day, they, despite all that suppression, will still bite you in the ass, literally. so for all that it's worth, if you're feeling something and you feel like doing something to express it, go ahead, do it. but hey, don't kill someone else while you're at it.

3) winning isn't everything. well, or at least that's what i'd like to think for now. technique is key. winning comes after you've got the right techniques, so don't rush whatever you're doing just so that you can win.

4) forgetting is simple; but whatever you forgot is going to hurt you really bad once you've finally remembered. so i guess the general rule of thumb is to remember, both good and bad, before it's too late. if this all sounds queer, weird and irrelevant right now, take awhile for it soak right in; trust me, you'll get it in a few years time.

5) enjoy your youth while you still can. sure, you can still complain about homework, school, training and what not. but know this, school is the best place to be. no one will crucify you(okay, some of us will bleed, but hey, no one dies right?) for your mistakes and there's still time to learn from them. once you're out of school, the world will suddenly seem like a very nasty place.

on a random note,

you were all my brothers;

i would have bled for you, died for you and killed for you.

but you

would you have done all those for me?

no, i didn't think so.

ah, i must say, the concept of brotherhood still eludes me.

easier said than done.

i've been pretty angry over the past few weeks.

angry at myself for rushing at the gym and getting myself injured. sure, that's one.

two, i'm angry at my lack of motivation and my indecisiveness to get anything done during the weekends(i haven't read my Time and Fortune magazines yet).

three, there is someone(or rather, something) i want to kill badly, but due to certain parameters, circumstances and consequences that might await me, should i decide upon such a choice, he is going to live.

amongst the three, the third bothers me the most.

i have reason to believe he is craving attention and love(in his own twisted way), so hey, why feed him anyway. i have never met someone like that before and i must say; anger is an interesting feeling. but now i know i must detach that feeling from myself, so that i may have control over my Self.

the minstrel boy.

The Minstrel Boy to the war is gone
In the ranks of death you will find him
His father's sword he hath girded on
And his wild harp slung behind him
"Land of Song!" said the warrior bard
"Tho' all the world betrays thee
One sword at least thy rights shall guard
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel fell! But the foeman's chain
Could not bring that proud soul under
The harp he lov'd ne'er spoke again
For he tore its chords asunder
And said "No chains shall sully thee
Thou soul of love and brav'ry!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free
They shall never sound in slavery!"

"Land of Song!" said the warrior bard
"Tho' all the world betrays thee
One sword at least thy rights shall guard
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

if i cannot, then i must.

it's the weekend again and like all other weekends, it will soon come to a quick and abrupt end.

on a brighter note, next week is the last week of my "stay" at pasir laba. i must admit that i will miss the place; the gym(except the squats machine on the ground floor[i swear it's cursed!]), the IPPT running route, the specialist mess, the legendary SGD$2.10 burger, the cheap(SGD$0.20/game) Marvel vs Capcom games, the nice aunties(except the really cranky one who serves the soup) at the cookhouse, the simple cookhouse food, the school itself and most of all, the company(well, most of 'em at least).

i don't know what to expect after next week, so i'll keep my fingers crossed.

if i cannot, then i must.

list.

i figured that now's a good time to have a list of things to do before i ORD and get my pink NRIC back. okay, so here goes;

1) run a couple of races : 10km, 21plus(half-marathon) and perhaps, the 42km.

2) find something to do on weekends?

- teach cat class?

- try out a new sport(maybe dragon boating?)

3) catch up regularly with friends from all over(primary school, secondary school, jc, what have you).

4) go on a holiday.

5) facilitate in a few more confirmation camps before i become an old fart.

no more, no more.

no more mistakes, not anymore.

this cannot go on.

i will make a stand,

a conscious choice.

damn, this is good.

the days go by oh so slow.

i can't seem to be able to write about anything these days; it always seems like i'm occupied and worrying about something, something of which i know nothing of. i wake up every morning thinking of the "what-ifs" and the "maybes" and i guess because of these thoughts, i don't really seem to enjoy my days anymore. to be honest, there isn't very much to enjoy either. my days are long and tiring and there's nothing much to look forward to, except, perhaps a full recovery(and diagnosis) and uni.

in order to forgive others, you must first learn to forgive yourself.

never too late.

that's one off the chest; many more to go.

it is usually best to admit mistakes when they occur and to seek to restore honour.

today was a good day

yes, today was a good day.

it was a day of catching up with old friends from yesteryear and from previous phases of my life. i saw childhood friends at church, secondary school friends at plaza singapura and had dinner with my friends from jc. it was nice to have a lil' catch up, having not seen many of them for like years(yes, you read it right, years).

on a random note, smota needs facils from confi camp again next year. i totally cannot wait and i really hope God will let me help out again.

argh.

my first attempt at fiddling around with tumblr is a total failure. i don't really want to elaborate much about what happened, but just know this; i don't think i'm cut out for tumblr.

i can't seem to be able to write anything when i'm on tumblr. it's weird mann.

anyway, recovery's going well. 280lbs/127kg, i will conquer you, real soon(i already did la, cos my 1RM was about 300 lbs)!