of half-baked poseurs and the game that i've learned to love.

"a bunch of poseurs."

"idiots."

"so noisy."

"arrogant."

these are the labels they throw at us and now i question, who's to blame?

sigh.

i know we're loud and all but are we really THAT bad?

as far as i can recall, the only time i was ever a "poseur" was when i was showing off my lineout skills at the M1 tens. and it was in the name of fun. and at least my skills were pretty decent.

and it seems that some us do go around telling others that they are ruggers. like RUGGERS. such to the point that they exaggerate it? i mean it's nice and all to be proud of your cca, but i guess you've got to remember that rugby, like any other game, is but a game. it is no different from soccer, water polo, track and field and what have you. and it doesn't really mean anything, really. so what if you're a rugger? some of us think it gives us a lil "street cred", a lil extra something to boast about in front of girls and all. but what makes em think we're worth boasting about anyway? beats me. if i were them, i'd keep my mouth shut. we haven't won anything yet. we're just not "BIG" yet. we haven't proven our worth. and we can't hide in the shadows of our seniors forever. it's our time now, not theirs and hence, it is our responsibility.

well, all we can do now is wait. yes, wait. maybe things'll get better after promos. maybe, just maybe.

and waiting is what i'm sick and tired off. so sick that i went in for contact yesterday. it's been soooo long. and i felt soooo useless. we were having some weird game format that had a six-man forward pack. there were only five that were involved in the scrum, so i was made the extra forward to support the backs. and it sucked. i felt so inferior. the disparity in our skill levels. the confusion, or rather, my confusion, was mind-numbing. the screw-ups. the missed tackles. the fear. the guilt. it was all too much for one day. my last day of the term.

useless, is the word to describe how i felt.

useless, is the word that seems to resonate from the stares of my teammates.

useless, is the word that can be used to describe my futile attempts to do what i've been taught.

useless, is the word to describe my attempt to try to do what i thought i was meant to do.

useless, is the word i'd thought i'll never be labelled with.

call me emo, call me sad.

but really, i'd never expected yesterday to be so bad.

i would have followed you to the end.

my brother,

my captain,

my king.