words written and not said.

sometimes i need a reason to believe;

that i everything i've seen is not a lie

and that all i've done is not in vain

and that all we want to achieve are not dreams for sleep.

perhaps we'll prove ourselves soon.

and maybe i'll prove myself wrong someday too.

but i pray that someday be soon.

and that soon, be when it matters most; NOW.

life, as of now.

jan has come and gone real quick.
feb's a crazy month. orientation begins next week. yay! gonna have to make the extra effort to keep up with my work and all.
common tests are in march(we're only speculating at the moment?).

school's been okay so far i suppose. got ourselves a nice, cosy classroom on the third floor.

(in this case, terms like "cosy" and "nice" do not effectively describe the furniture and certain objects in the classroom and hence should be taken with a pinch, if not, a bottle of salt.)

but it's not bad. really. it's near the washroom. it's far awaayyyy from everyone else. and simply said, that kinda equates to nice.

(the classroom becomes our "lepak" heaven after lessons. blasting music with the speakers while doing homework is a great way to kickstart the academic school year mann.)

i think it's nice to have a class to call your own. something or rather, someplace that is really yours. so these days, it's just pick a corner, unload everything, bring out the makan and then pack up at end of the day. i think it's a nice routine. it used to be; unpack, pack, move. unpack, pack, move. unpack, pack, move. and that was the most annoying part of school.

my timetable would be nicer if there were a lil' more breaks on thursday. but it's good. i like how it is now.

i haven't got all my tests back yet, but i did okay for chem and math. managed to pass both. got a C for chem and A for math. like yay. was quite disappointed for physics though. went around trying to "spot" questions and i got myself killed. it wasn't a pretty sight. waiting for GP and econs now. hope i did okay for those two.

but it's not really fair gauge of my or the general student population's abilities. i mean, after all, it's just a small test with limited topics. so it wasn't exactly fair in that sense. and it didn't matter to them as much as it mattered to me.

anyway, i'm heading to S12 on wednesday to teach the dudes and dudettes there to fold stars for our tenth anniversary! uh, i don't think i know anyone there? but i hope it'll be fun!

of movies that were meant to be watched half a decade ago.

when it comes to movies, i'm a total laggart.

(it's not an official english word yet but in this case, it refers to a "lagger" or someone who's just, er, slow? i think it sounds so much more educated than lagger.)

anyway, i just watched kungfu hustle on tv today. yes, today. like finally.

(mm. liked it for two reasons. ask me and i'll tell you.)

gonna have to start running more often now. season's coming up real soon. oh, and the j1s are gonna be startin' school soon!

like, uh-oh!

(dancing, singing, screaming and cheering'll become part of my daily routine real soon i guess?)

i'm reading randy pausch's "the last lecture" right now.
we got it for jon for his b'day and he finished it really fast. like in slightly more than a week?
and now i get to read it too. like yay!
it's an awesome book. and you should so check out his video on youtube.
go search for "the last lecture".

why do you people even bother?
whether i'm there or not.
when i am, it's as if i'm not.
when i'm not, y'all say it as if i owe y'all a lot.

like seriously.
i'm gonna let it be(cos there's nothing i can do anyway)
just for a lil' while.
but when i say i'll be back, just believe me.

why can't it bloody work?

i dislike projects.
not because they require one to source for information or to prepare for the presentation segment.
i like the thrill of it all.
but what takes the thrill away for me is the unpredictability of one's teammates.

i am disappointed.
and for added effect, i would like to mention that i am very disappointed.

i don't how much longer i can take it.

i guess comparisons are easily made when you've tasted perfection.

it won't happen again.

will be out for awhile.
knee ran into some problems during the friendly.
gonna be back soon.
don't wanna miss a thing.

this one doesn't need a title.

Disclaimer; this post was published by a boy who is stuck in this gigantic pool of thoughts(ironically, he created the mess himself), so just bear with the boy. or you could always use the trusty alt-F4 command and whoosh yourself someplace else.

i don't really know what's happening to me.

everything seems so distant.

i feel so indifferent to the things around me and all.

it's like; "i don't really give a damn about all this bullshit."

so now everything is bollocks to me.

i don't really give two shits about anything.

i feel too lazy to even want to care about anything related to my life.

it's dangerous.

this is what screwed up ogl camp for me.

i had this same shitty feeling back then.

so picture me, sitting around in a circle, with my get-me-outta-here face, playing ice-breakers.

i was selfish, in some way.

i only thought of myself.

making myself happy.

and doing whatever suited my fancy.

and chucking whatever that i deemed was boring.

i suppose it wasn't nice for everyone.

and i guess i'm sorry?

but it's not like anyone reads all this crap anyway.

but then again, here's sorry, for all that it's worth.

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own! But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me love others, as much as He loves me.

God said, Finally you have the idea.

where is the faith?

after thinking(yes, i know. well, at least i'd like to think i think a lot.) about what i should do with this year, i realised that one year is really short. all the hopes and dreams of 17 years of struggling and fighting hard, squeezed into one year.

just one year. or maybe a lil' less.

i think it's close to impossible. A's, clearing all the Common Tests, Rugby Plate Champs(even if i'm no longer around. i'm sure the guys can do it without me.), orientation, drawing and designing stuff like i used to do in sji(thanks ernie, wherever you are, you were an inspiration), bringing my fitness to another whole new level again and loads of other stuff.

well, common sense tells me that i might have to let something go. and the choice is obviously obvious. i hate to say it but the truth, as we all know, hurts.

i spent four years in sji dreaming of a team i could belong to.
i spent three out of the four years hoping i could play rugby for a school one day.
i spent one and a half months praying i could stay in cjc rugby, where i felt most at home.
i spent half of that same year praying that i could improve my game but instead, the harder i tried, the worst it got.
i spent the remaining months praying that i could recover as soon as possible and don the pjc colours again.

and sad to say, i haven't quite found the team i'm looking for yet. i'm not saying that the guys aren't great, it's just that i don't really feel like i'm part of the team. perhaps it's just me, or maybe rugby ain't for me.


Whoever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn him into a monster.
And if you gaze long into an abyss,
the abyss will gaze back into you.

-it ain't easy, but believe me when i say i'm trying.
a lil' more faith is all i need.
just a lil' more.

OH-GEE-EL camp.

Day one.

it was pretty standard. kinda like the usual TYS day one material. say your name, describe yourself and say something you do when no one's looking at you. like hokay. not my kind of thing. i think i messed everything up real bad cos i didn't really feel like going through all the nitty gritty and all.

maybe it was cos i was scared. i remember myself, on many occasions, checking the wall clock in MPR 3 to see what time it was and to reassure myself that there was plenty of time to prepare for the game. and i pretty much did that from 9am to 2.15pm. chcecking the wall clock. wow. what an interesting way to start a camp.

i felt really lonely and all at the beginning too. when i first sat down with my clan and all, i figured that i didn't know anyone at all. well, okay, maybe i knew wilson. but i can safely say that the only thing i really really know about him is um, his name? and to make things worse, the clan was made up of people that knew each other. like there were 3 odac-ers, 2 pairs of classmates, 2 dancers and yeah, you should pretty much get the idea now. so someone knew somebody and all.

and y'know what the best part was, tuck was supposed to be in my clan. like wtf?

after day one, i made a shocking conclusion. or at least it was shocking to me la.

i really like the camps that i've been to not because of the activities, but because of the people i'm with.

does that make sense?
well, it does, for me at least.

after thinking about it for quite a bit at the end of the last night, i realised that in all the camps i've been to, i'm always with all the "fun" people. with people that i already knew. with people that are like myself. with people that are connected to me in one way or another. with people i could click with.

it was, i guess, too comfortable?

and after four years of "comfortable" camps, i thought i could safely conclude that i was a happy camper. whatever that meant.

so day one was games.
a match.
and the final activity of the day; folding stars.

it was funny at first but i suppose the humor faded when they told us that we had to fold 30 stars. each. so here's the deal, i've never tried folding paper stars for anyone in my life before and i was made to fold thirty. like, holy crap. and we folded.

and folded.

and folded.

till everyone(the other clans) were gone.

and back again.

then we had a briefing. then supper. and then we retired on the floor for the night.


Day two

morning PT to start the day. the sentence to accurately describe the morning PT would be; even my grandmother can walk faster than this. simply said, the PT was just buffer for them to make breakfast and all.
we had station games.
we got wet.
we got dirty.
we had fun.

and we sure danced a lot.
seriously serious.
till morning.
had this funky clan dance thingy that we're performing for the clan performance.


Day three.

everything was hurting.
including my ass.
and my eyes.
yeah, so you prolly get the idea.
did one more dance.
cleaned up.

went for lunch at teck whye.
then kap mac's. died there.

slept for an hour. at mac's. with HC guys looking at us.

i felt like telling 'em, "i know we look kinda homeless and all but we're not. but if you feel like giving us your spare change, then be my guest and fill up the bag mann."

could have prolly bought myself a few cones here and there. but hey, who's complaining? it ain't my money.

anyway, i'm in LEO. and it's an awesome clan. seriously serious.
i'm kinda hoping see everyone real soon.
happy homework-ing people.