fighting with your faith.
i used to think it was just me having this problem and all. like y'know, how you believe that there is a God out there, but you're not sure of who or what he is. or how you've just lost it with God, cos you think you deserve better than what you have now. or how you think that He's never there when you need him.
in the beginning, it was easy. faith was simple. as a child, believing was easy. whatever your parents told you was right. well, it had to be right. they are your parents for a good reason(believe me, they know more than you think they know). but when you start growing up, you start to realise that God isn't as fair as you thought He ought to be. then come the questions that nobody can answer. i had many questions, i was curious. i had no one to ask, and church was just crap. it was one of those feel good things i went for every sunday. at the back of my head i was like, "the Lord will bless and keep me because i have gone for mass and i'm a good boy going for cathechism. those who don't go are so going to hell". there was this little ego that got bigger every time i did something special in church. readings for camps, facilitating camps, going for mission trips, getting asked to sing for my batch's confirmation mass(jeanette did it in the end. honestly, she deserved the chance more than i did). these things kinda boosted my ego, made me feel wanted in God's presence. made me feel that i had a few more 'A's in my report card up there in heaven. i joined the legion and stayed in the legion. every tuesday, i went through the rosaries, the dull meetings, procedures, gospels and all. i thought if i did more of it, i was making my way, inch by inch, into the pearly gates.
but little did i know, i was inching away from those gates. bit by bit, everyday of my life. as i grew to become what i thought was holiness, i just got lost in everything. how i was more worried about all the lil' nitty gritty and all the superficial things. along the way, i fell a couple of times too.
falling does not necessarily have to mean that you literally fell from grace and all(cos that's just not possible here on earth and we're human to begin with). in my case, i was just slipping into sin and all. i was a lost case(i still am). i bargained with God, tried to negotiate with Him, got angry with Him, blamed him for things that i felt weren't supposed to happen. i was like, "if i don't _________________________________ anymore, will you keep me safe for the season?" or if i do ___________________ more, will you help me on this one?" lots of things i asked for didn't turn out the way i wanted them to. i didn't make it to enjoy the fruits of labour, or rather, the glory of the season. i didn't get to know some girl i always wanted to get to know. i didn't do awesome in the examinations. i was just broken all over. that was just me.
and then, there was the world. the recent flooding in the philippines(till today, i still remember his name, muel magallanes; there will never be a greater hero). hurricane katrina. all those crazy natural disasters. the terrorist attacks all over. the tamil tigers. china's rich living off the poor and flaunting their wealth(some woman sent a fleet of luxury cars to fetch her f*cking dog from some Chinese ariport). poor people dying everywhere. where was God when all these happened? no one could answer this question. everyone was telling me, "whatever will be, will be. because you will never understand His ways." or "God works in mysterious ways." why them? what the f*ck is going on mann? i was just losing it mann.
and there was another problem. homilies. if you ask around, people don't seem to remember homilies anymore. like, try asking them what the gospel reading was last sunday was about and what the priest's homily was about and they'll go like, "er...jesus?" i don't question their attention spans(although recent research claims that computer usage decreases it and all). what i question is(no offence intended) the homily itself? homilies in my opinion have gone all cliche. well, most of them have. it's always about values, compassion, oh, love, kindness, respect and what have you? it's never about the world. it's never about how we could get closer to Him. it's never about how you should pray. it's never about what you need to do to rid yourself of the weariness you feel deep inside of you that screams for you to give the fight. it's never about how God has a peculiar way of doing things. simply put, it's just not relevant to us anymore. i just went to st iggy's last sunday and i was disappointed. the priest was talking about the holy family. a lil' bit about them and he went on about how important family was to society, to us. oh mann, spare us will you? not that it was not good(okay, frankly it sounded like some badly written GP essay on family values and the importance of the family) but i don't see how that was going to help us with our faith. it's frustrating and the catholic church still wonders why so many of our youth are running elsewhere(most of the time, it's christian churches).
i don't think it's the loud music.
and i don't think it's the hot girls or hot guys either.
and it's definitely not because the christian churches are so darn huge these days.
i think, it's because they make the gospel relevant to the youth. they make sense of it, instead of just reading it and digressing off into things that are not related at all to the gospel. they give the youth a reason to come back each week; to be enriched, to learn, to discover. they never get bored of it. well, most of them don't. see, the main draw is not P&W like most priests think it's about these days. it's the "curriculum" in churches that makes all the difference. the catholic church doesn't do a good enough job at that. it needs to stop telling kids to stop asking questions. it has to start giving kids opportunities to ask questions. and it has to have courage to answer them. people don't quite worry about how jesus walked on water, or how he multiplied the five loaves and two fishes. people these days want to know why it's so hard to keep the faith these days. why it's so hard to be Christ-like. why it's so hard to do the right things, to fight the good fight, to not give in to sin. people want to know what to do in these troubled times.
i figured if they want people to come back, then they've got to work at it first.
and on a random note(if you ever read this, jon chen): i feel your pain(if it's what i think it is). it's okay if you don't want to go anymore. i hope it gets better for you. as for me, i'm still fighting to find out if it's still the right thing to do. will tell you when i get there. God bless.
in the beginning, it was easy. faith was simple. as a child, believing was easy. whatever your parents told you was right. well, it had to be right. they are your parents for a good reason(believe me, they know more than you think they know). but when you start growing up, you start to realise that God isn't as fair as you thought He ought to be. then come the questions that nobody can answer. i had many questions, i was curious. i had no one to ask, and church was just crap. it was one of those feel good things i went for every sunday. at the back of my head i was like, "the Lord will bless and keep me because i have gone for mass and i'm a good boy going for cathechism. those who don't go are so going to hell". there was this little ego that got bigger every time i did something special in church. readings for camps, facilitating camps, going for mission trips, getting asked to sing for my batch's confirmation mass(jeanette did it in the end. honestly, she deserved the chance more than i did). these things kinda boosted my ego, made me feel wanted in God's presence. made me feel that i had a few more 'A's in my report card up there in heaven. i joined the legion and stayed in the legion. every tuesday, i went through the rosaries, the dull meetings, procedures, gospels and all. i thought if i did more of it, i was making my way, inch by inch, into the pearly gates.
but little did i know, i was inching away from those gates. bit by bit, everyday of my life. as i grew to become what i thought was holiness, i just got lost in everything. how i was more worried about all the lil' nitty gritty and all the superficial things. along the way, i fell a couple of times too.
falling does not necessarily have to mean that you literally fell from grace and all(cos that's just not possible here on earth and we're human to begin with). in my case, i was just slipping into sin and all. i was a lost case(i still am). i bargained with God, tried to negotiate with Him, got angry with Him, blamed him for things that i felt weren't supposed to happen. i was like, "if i don't _________________________________ anymore, will you keep me safe for the season?" or if i do ___________________ more, will you help me on this one?" lots of things i asked for didn't turn out the way i wanted them to. i didn't make it to enjoy the fruits of labour, or rather, the glory of the season. i didn't get to know some girl i always wanted to get to know. i didn't do awesome in the examinations. i was just broken all over. that was just me.
and then, there was the world. the recent flooding in the philippines(till today, i still remember his name, muel magallanes; there will never be a greater hero). hurricane katrina. all those crazy natural disasters. the terrorist attacks all over. the tamil tigers. china's rich living off the poor and flaunting their wealth(some woman sent a fleet of luxury cars to fetch her f*cking dog from some Chinese ariport). poor people dying everywhere. where was God when all these happened? no one could answer this question. everyone was telling me, "whatever will be, will be. because you will never understand His ways." or "God works in mysterious ways." why them? what the f*ck is going on mann? i was just losing it mann.
and there was another problem. homilies. if you ask around, people don't seem to remember homilies anymore. like, try asking them what the gospel reading was last sunday was about and what the priest's homily was about and they'll go like, "er...jesus?" i don't question their attention spans(although recent research claims that computer usage decreases it and all). what i question is(no offence intended) the homily itself? homilies in my opinion have gone all cliche. well, most of them have. it's always about values, compassion, oh, love, kindness, respect and what have you? it's never about the world. it's never about how we could get closer to Him. it's never about how you should pray. it's never about what you need to do to rid yourself of the weariness you feel deep inside of you that screams for you to give the fight. it's never about how God has a peculiar way of doing things. simply put, it's just not relevant to us anymore. i just went to st iggy's last sunday and i was disappointed. the priest was talking about the holy family. a lil' bit about them and he went on about how important family was to society, to us. oh mann, spare us will you? not that it was not good(okay, frankly it sounded like some badly written GP essay on family values and the importance of the family) but i don't see how that was going to help us with our faith. it's frustrating and the catholic church still wonders why so many of our youth are running elsewhere(most of the time, it's christian churches).
i don't think it's the loud music.
and i don't think it's the hot girls or hot guys either.
and it's definitely not because the christian churches are so darn huge these days.
i think, it's because they make the gospel relevant to the youth. they make sense of it, instead of just reading it and digressing off into things that are not related at all to the gospel. they give the youth a reason to come back each week; to be enriched, to learn, to discover. they never get bored of it. well, most of them don't. see, the main draw is not P&W like most priests think it's about these days. it's the "curriculum" in churches that makes all the difference. the catholic church doesn't do a good enough job at that. it needs to stop telling kids to stop asking questions. it has to start giving kids opportunities to ask questions. and it has to have courage to answer them. people don't quite worry about how jesus walked on water, or how he multiplied the five loaves and two fishes. people these days want to know why it's so hard to keep the faith these days. why it's so hard to be Christ-like. why it's so hard to do the right things, to fight the good fight, to not give in to sin. people want to know what to do in these troubled times.
i figured if they want people to come back, then they've got to work at it first.
and on a random note(if you ever read this, jon chen): i feel your pain(if it's what i think it is). it's okay if you don't want to go anymore. i hope it gets better for you. as for me, i'm still fighting to find out if it's still the right thing to do. will tell you when i get there. God bless.
posted by Alex at
10:54 AM
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