one of those days.

i tried my best this year to stay true to my Lenten sacrifices and i think i did pretty good for Lent. but Lent does not last forever and yet again, i have fallen. this struggle, i grow weary of it. but then again, what meaning does life have, if not for the struggle? it is a curious case, this one. there is no light without darkness; no sweetness without bitterness and so forth.

can't speak my mind these days.

i think it's come to a stage where i can't seem to find the right words to say when speaking in front of large audiences; i tend to forget what my main point is and i often get distracted by simple things like the lights going off and i lose my mojo. gone with the "click" of the switch just like that. getting a lil' pissed, but since today is Good Friday, i guess "pissed" can wait for another day.

that aside, i don't really understand why God loves to keep giving me the chance to share about the parable of the prodigal son. well, i think today was the third time but it didn't sound too good, especially since i had been awake for 24hrs straight and in that same no.4 for 23 hours already. will have to make up for it the next time, if God gives me a chance again!

oh, what the f.

not sure what's been going on in my life these few days/weeks. everything seems so distant and so unreal; i'm not too sure if it's my lack of sleep(from last night's lenten vigil) or the fact that weird things have been happening to me lately. untimely shoulder dislocation, possibility of "extra" for being careless(not sure if that's the most appropriate word to use, but for now, i'll settle for "careless"), long-ass wait at BBDC for my turn and getting caught in the heavy rain after all that waiting.

i really don't know what to expect next.

our deepest fear.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

full circle.

where do i go from here? well, that's a question that's been on my mind for quite awhile now and i don't really seem to get clear answers anymore. there is always that faint glimmer of hope that things will get better; at the same time, there is always this little bit of negativity gnawing at this faint glimmer of hope. i'm always never sure of how things will turn out anymore because things these days are so uncertain and nobody can promise you anything. to make things worse, these choices require commitment and undivided attention; there can be no other, only what you have chosen.

so i ask again, "where do i go from here?"

and it was over; just like that.

most of the days, i feel like i am in control of my Self, and i know what needs to be done, and what is good for me. i avoid all the bad and undesirable things and continue to work towards my goal or destination. but there are times that temptation is bitch and i just lose control of my Self and i end up falling again. i hate days like these; they make me regret.

i am still searching.

searching for God is a funny thing; there is a constant temptation to let my faith slide into oblivion and not bother about searching anymore, but at the same time, there are times when i experience random and sporadic moments of great faith and longing; moments in which i feel i must find God in order to feel at peace with myself and the things around me. and as i write this little entry now, i wonder if anyone out there has had an experience like mine.

i'm not sure why i feel this, but to me, i guess it's a sign to tell me that i've been searching for God in all the wrong places and maybe, whatever i'm doing now isn't the way to go. maybe there is something i'm missing out, or something that i'm not doing right. i don't know. i feel more lost than ever and i don't think i really know what i'm doing anymore. is this all a mistake; should i stay on in this?

maybe i should stop thinking so much and get some sleep; it's been a long day anyway.

okay, that's it.

this has been going for quite awhile already but today was, as what they always say, "enough is enough". okay, that didn't really sound quite right but surely you get the idea. so this thing i was going to talk about; old ladies deliberately cutting my queue just because i am wearing my uniform. okay, let's start from the beginning.

i don't understand why these old ladies like to cut my queue?! like, why me? why not the guy in front, or maybe the lady behind, why me?! i mean, maybe if you waited nicely by the side, i would have willingly let you go first, but cut my queue one too many times i get really angry. really, really angry.

and what makes me angrier is that they are willing to squeeze into that lil' gap between the bus and me, or what little space there is between the train doors and the boarding platform. it's crazy man. what's getting them so worked up? okay, maybe not so much angry angry, but more of a confused angry(yes, i know this sounds pretty weird too).

well, maybe it's cos people don't give up seats for them anymore. so sad, so very sad.

oh hello blogger, how have you been?

i have decided to keep both tumblr and blogger cos i can't seem to let go of either one. so as of now, the tumblr's for pictures and blogger's for everything else.