interesting weekend.

i spent the last weekend at smota's catechist conference and i must say that it was a pretty interesting(okay, armed with the limited vocabulary bank of an NSF, i cannot seem to find another word to describe the experience). i found out more about the other catechists; their lives, their stories and more importantly, who they really were(cleared a couple of doubts actually). i know this all sounds pretty sketch and vague(i really wish i had the time to write everything down but i gotta go crash soon!) but i think it was a good effort and a weekend well spent.

anyway, the highlight of this post is prolly the lunchtime(the last lunch of the conference actually) conversation with the other catechists. well, i'm not quite sure how we ended up talking about my insecurities and issues with confidence, self-worth and all, but i guess it kinda got me thinking about what i wanted in life.

*below is as much as i can remember from the lunchtime conversation.*

g; "where did this all come from, like what happened?"

me:"i dunno?"

g; "there must be something, relationship problems...were you in relationship or something?"

me:"yeah, some 5 years ago."

g; "how did it go?"

me: "hahaha, it was disastrous(smiles). lasted three weeks."

g; "how did it happen?"

me: "i dunno, i was the rebound. and maybe cos i was just too cui la.

d; "three weeks?! whoa, how emotionally attached were you to her anyway?"

*okay, breaktime!*

thought i'll answer question one first. well, i didn't quite have an answer at that point of time so i just kinda brushed it aside. but now that i had some time to think about, i guess i'll answer it to the best i can; sec 3 wasn't quite the best time of my life. things weren't going well in school, bad grades, dismal end to a season, teachers always hounding you and all. it was just getting to me i guess. and it didn't help that everyone was just so much smarter, fitter, "handsome-r"(yes, that was a poor attempt to throw the word handsome into the whole sentence without altering its structure) and better at whatever it was they were involved in. everyone seemed to be doing awesome except a couple of us. to me, she just seemed to have came at the right timing? she taught me chapters of stuff i was bad at(math and physics in particular), lent me her notes and all. there were always encouraging conversations on msn messenger; the future always seemed so bright. DSAs, 6 points, JCs we wanted to go to and all that talk. knew her for about 6 to 7 months and then was funny text one day that went like, "hey, er, do you like me?" and i was like, "yeah, in the friend kinda way. er, what's up?" didn't really think much about it cos i only thought of a her only as a friend and nothing more. but then after awhile, i guess i started to develop feelings and i guess things got screwy from there and about 2 months later, we "got together"? but 3 weeks and it was all over. i really thought i knew her long enough and that she was what i really wanted but i guess, in the end, i was just the "rebound". emo much.

*resume!*

d; "mm, y'know alex, there's this one line from contact work that you'll definitely remember. it's like the correct answer that'll let you pass the station."

me; "er, that was a long time ago man. just tell me what it is?"

d; "damn easy, seriously. c'mon..."

me; "dunno la."

d; "there are always other fishes in the sea!"

me; "but none of them want me...(and then quietly i say, "hahaha, it ryhmes too.")

[the table has the wtf reaction]

g; "huh. but, that was quite awhile ago, so are you ready to get yourself into another relationship?"

me; "er, i dunno?"

g; "aiyo, this kind of thing cannot dunno one. must help you find a girlfriend! mm, what kind of girl are you looking for?"

me; "er, dunno?"

*pause*

actually, i do know la. but i didn't think it was an appropriate time to discuss things like that. mm, tanned, sporty, short hair...but honestly speaking(with the frivolous things mentioned before put aside in one corner), i'll say that these things aren't that important la. what's important is that she's dependable, independent(not fiercely independent to the point that she doesn't need me, but at least independent enough to not look to me for everything), has an opinion on most issues, logical and rational, not a spendthrift(but not a total miser also), catholic, has a plan for the future and yeah, that's generally it?

*end*

the conversation kinda ended after asking the ladies what they wanted/looked for in potential boyfriends or boyfriends. "charming and witty without being too arrogant", "sensitive"(not too sure how sensitivity works cos the only sensitivity i'm familiar with is mouse sensitivity in FPS games) were some of the answers. i guess i gotta get to work man, work on that charm, wit and yes, sensitivity.

thanks for the awesome weekend guys and girls!

and on a random note, i realise that once i grab a mic, i just freeze and forget everything i was supposed to say. i guess cui would be the most appropriate word to describe situations like that. no more, i tell you, it won't happen again.

have you met ORLY?

say hello to ORLY, the formation owl(it's an owl people, not some rock golem like tiny from dota or graveler from pokemon. seriously guys!). took about 1.5 to 2 hours to get all the little details ironed out; first, there was the concept sketch. second, there was a draft. and to end it all nicely, there was the final piece that was done with a zig painty marker(no mistakes this time around).

anyway, i think i'll try to make it a point to draw something every week, or at the very least, something every two weeks. i think what benedict said made sense, "art isn't just about talent, it's about PRACTICE." and practice i shall! thanks a lot man!

at the end of the road.

it has been quite a roller coaster ride(yes, pardon the cliche description, because anything more would have been overkill!) for me thus far. as much as i wanted to be part of this journey, there were always things in my heart that were weighing me down. but today, these things are no more; today showed me that, perhaps, i was always trying too hard to be someone i wasn't and maybe we got everything all wrong from the start. whichever/whatever the case, i still thank y'all nonetheless for the little memories that you've left me in this short span of close to two months.

yes, i will miss y'all but i know this isn't goodbye. simply because to me, saying goodbye means forgetting. as J.M. Barrie once put it, "Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

and so, with this quote in mind, i won't say goodbye, because i will always remember all of you.

fierce.

byron kelleher! i watched a couple of videos that featured his highlights and all on youtube. sadly, not much on his AB career, but still exciting nonetheless. he plays for a french club(toulouse, if i'm not mistaken) now(but is slated to leave later this year cos the manager doesn't seem to have him in any of his plans for the team). depressing news aside, i must say he's quite an awesome player!

damn, i think this guy's my new hero now!

a long, long time ago, i can still remember...

a couple of years ago, there was this craze going on about the nike baller id bands; some of them had names of basketball superstars on them, while others had words and some didn't have anything on them. being the sensible consumer i was back then, i decided to buy the ones with words on them(i wasn't into basketball so buying a lebron band wouldn't be such a good idea and a band with just a tick didn't seem like a good buy either). so i picked two bands from a 77th street stall at tampines mall; a grey one with the word "team" and a yellow one, which had the word "confidence" on it.

at that time when i bought the two bands, those two words meant a lot to me. actually, they still do.

confidence; being in a sport, i know how much confidence really matters to an athlete. one may be in good form or have the skills and potential, but if he/she lacks confidence in his/her own ability to perform, then the battle is lost. i bought the yellow "confidence" band to remind myself of that. i wore this one when i had matches to play or when i was in competitions.

a friend once asked me, "my boyfriend wears a black one that says NZ ALL BLACKS. mm, i'm curious, what does yours say?", to which i replied, "mine says confidence" a puzzled "huh" was what i got. "the all blacks are a great team and all, but i feel that i should wear something that reminds me of what i need and must do on the field. confidence is all about believing in yourself and having complete trust in your teammates. and i guess that's what really matters to me."

and then she said, "er, ohkay."

eventually, the "confidence" band was given to a friend who needed it more than i did(his season started when my sporting "career" came to a screeching halt). it lasted to him the whole season and right through 'A's, after which it snapped. but at least it was good to know that it had served its purpose and helped someone rev up his mojo on the pitch and in the exam hall.

team; as far as i can remember, i always liked being in teams. the whole concept of being in a team appealed to me because it was awesome to know that there were like-minded individuals who were going to be backing you up when you fall short, people who motivate each other when the going gets tough and all that cliche stuff; in essence, a team was a bunch of people you could trust and rely on.

the grey band, or the "team" band, was worn on training/rest days. it was a reminder that everything i did, should be for the team. training should take priority over all things of leisure, the team's activities(CIP, matches and what not) were of prime importance, all duties assigned by the cap and coach were to be finished ASAP and most importantly, that there was no "I" in TEAM and that the team was more important than the individual.

well, these were ideals. but reality was never so kind.

well, for the better part of my life, i've been in teams. SJI bowling, PJ rugby. but somehow, i never quite felt at home. sometimes, when i lie in bed late at night, i still wonder if i did anything wrong. everyone just seemed to get along so well and they did awesome things together. well, without me, of course. i've been searching, for quite awhile now, for a team that can accept for who i am, and place to call home. it's been 6 years since i bought that "team" band(along with the "confidence" band) and its grey has taken on a light shade of yellow, a sign of "aging" in all things made of rubber.

i hope that before my grey band turns completely yellow, i will find my dream team.

trading yesterday.

good stuff from an awesome band. should have gotten to know them and their music before they died out and became that band with that weird-assed name; "the age of information". just sitting down today and thinking about how the day went is rather relaxing. damn good stuff, i tell you.

there is only so much you can do in one day.

we know it's not being easy on top; especially if you are not the top. but as far as tops are concerned, nobody likes a top that doesn't give two hoots about what's on the ground. if you ain't the top, don't expect too much from the ones below. even if you are the top, you might not always get your way either. there will come a time when your men will say to themselves, and eventually, to you, "enough is enough."

i know how this all sounds so vague and funny but i guess a couple of recent events have made me write the above; frustration would be the appropriate excuse for the lil' rant that you just read above.

tuesdays and fridays. damn.

no story is not worth listening to.

it's funny how when guys meet up after a long time, one of the things we often talk about(almost inevitably, intended or not) is army. during meetups with friends, i often hear stories of them having a swell time eating huge, oversized fried chicken cutlets, running over kangaroos by accident at night and watching reptile shows. and with all forms of enjoyment, comes hell beforehand(but i guess we could have another meetup to discuss the less pleasant details of overseas deployments and excercises). but i guess the fun part for me, is listening to all these stories, rather than telling stories of my own. well, for starters, i have none. and secondly, the stories are usually exciting! and finally(and most importantly), it's good to know that your friends are having fun during this period of 1 year & 10months/ 2 years that most would label as "a waste of time".

also, i guess, in a weird and funny way that i cannot explain, listening to these stories helps lighten the burden of the 2 years. it kind of reminds me that despite us always complaining about the badass things that we've been through in our tour of service, there is always a "silver lining" and i guess, a fair share of good times(although most would argue that the good times are smaller in magnitude than the bad times; but nonetheless, still existent). and so nowadays, when i'm having a bad day, i think of all the stories that friends share with me, and for the rest of the day, the sky doesn't seem so grey anymore.