your existence gives me hope.

things you didn't know about me.

most people think i'm just a loudmouth and a very noisy person.
well, at least that's what i gathered from the feedback i'm getting.
but truth be told, i like the quiet and the serenity it brings.
if there was ever a way, i would just my mouth shut and just enjoy the silence.

the silence is my friend, as well as my enemy.
it is my friend because i enjoy its company and it lets me know what i have done wrong.
it is my enemy because when it is upon me, i am thinking.
thoughts, both good and bad, seep into my consciousness.

mostly, in the silence, it is the bad thoughts that get to me.
like the thief creeping in the night,
in the silence, these evil thoughts make their way into the inferno of my mind.
slowly, but surely, i am poisoned.

that is why i hate the silence.
i make endless chatter and engage in meaningless banter.
i try to keep these thoughts at bay and make attempts to get them out of my head.
i will continue talking, because i am afraid.

afraid that i will lose myself.
afraid that i will lose everything that i have built.
afraid that i will be shunned.
afraid that i will not be loved for being the monster i am.

you will not understand.
you will not feel my fear.
leave me be;
lest ye become a monster too.

Dear God.

i don't really know what to do these days.
i give up and give in too easily.
i am weak.
give me strength again, Lord.
in You i trust.

adidas' all blacks world cup commercial.

butterflies.

random stuff.

i saw this on julian's blog/tumblr(i can't remember which one).
and i thought it was kinda cute.

at the cross.

i have lost the battle today.
i did not expect it.
i should not forget.
no, i must not forget.

curious, this timing.

maybe it doesn't work.
but i will do it.
because there is only do or do not,
there is no try.

tension of opposites.

it is one of those problems to which you have no solution to, simply because you cannot decide what to do; your brain tells you one thing, your heart tells you another.

morrie schwartz called it the tension of opposites. and rightly so.

today i ran into one of these and now i am stuck.

vode an; brothers all.

we are brothers; brothers till the end.
what we do for you, you would have done for us as well.
different; but one.
we will go until the end;
even to world's end may our journey be.
let us never stop; never give up.

we will soldier on; as one.
vode an; brothers all.

on the human will.

today, i learnt that the human will is like water.

sometimes, it is weak; water that allows itself to be a prisoner of its container is like human will that is weak and restrained by its surroundings.

other times, it is strong; water that forms the ocean is wild and free, capable of anything, just as a strong human will is capable of propelling its vessel forward while it continues on in its earthly journey.

and when concentrated, it is a force to be reckoned with; water that falls as raindrops on a single spot can eventually wear down a massive rock, just as a human will that is focused and concentrated will lead one to victory. one with such an indomitable will succeed eventually, just as the raindrops are able to wear down the rock.

i have overcame myself ten times today;
i have reconciled myself with my Self ten times today;
i have i have discovered ten truths today;
i have laughed and was cheerful ten times today;

then, allow me now to rock in my cradle of forty thoughts.
slowly, my eyes grow heavy;
my vision blurring.
as i rock myself to sleep, i bid the world, "be well and goodnight, for tomorrow morn, the Lord cometh."

just so i'll know.

can sins be forgiven?

on choosing names.

there is one thing that i'll never understand about us humans, it is this; naming our children. to us humans, it is important to give a child a good name so that he grows into what he is named after and because society would have it such that parents only choose meaningful names.

i disagree.

today, i had a disagreement with a friend about choosing names for children; more like it was a debate about how parents should choose the names of their children. his argument was that the name "sandy"(sorry sandy, if by chance you should read this) was not a good name for a child because it was lacking in meaning and thus, value.

i strongly disagree.

what value is there in a name? should not the bearer of the name create value for the name and not vice versa? and how does meaning denote value? is value not subjective? and even if a name should have meaning and value, what justice does it do the name if the bearer is nothing like the name suggests? it is pointless, if you ask me. i would just give my children names that sound simple, sweet and nice. nothing out of the ordinary and not something too long(because he or she has write her full name on his/her examination scripts for national exams and it takes too long!). he, or she, will then create value out the name that we have given her, like the men and women of old. on a random note, sandy is a nice name.

let every name have meaning and value; so that men and women will choose foolishly no more.
because now, every name is but a name, with no value attached, except the value that the bearer has created for his or her own name.

today is the 16th.

tomorrow, i begin work afresh; with renewed vigour and strength.

i shall not break the routine, i will not falter.

let today be the last day i indulge in my weakness.

for tomorrow, i wake up strong and ready.

for this cyclone has two eyes.

i wish You could tell me.

most of the time, i can control my Self. during these times, my I and my Self are on good terms with each other. other times, there is conflict between the two and i lose control of both my Self and I.

when this happens, i feel a very powerful anger. i do not know why i feel this anger. my heart says to me, "i am angry for or at something, someone. but i do not for or at what, or whom." my head tells me that it is not logical, "there must be a reason to my anger" but i search my Self and i cannot figure out why. i search my I, and he knows no better. my Self and I get frustrated and angrier than before because i cannot find the source of my anger. sometimes, i manage to detach myself from the anger, saying, "this is my anger, i know it through and through. i can walk away from it." other times, i give in and say, "this is how i feel, let others around me feel it too!" and i forget myself and indulge in my anger.

i'm praying for it to go away;
this monster that i cannot control anymore.

where did everyone go?

i don't know whether it's just me, or is everyone just disappearing from my life?

phone numbers dialled just don't seem to be in use.
people don't come for gatherings anymore.
less encounters/meetings with them in the usual places that they used to frequent.
they're moving out and on without saying goodbye.

where are they going? where have they gone? i do not know and it makes me sad. it makes me regret because i didn't catch up with them as often as i should have.

i must remember; everything and everyone.

little light in the sky.

"sometimes, you've got to look to the skies to remember who you are."

i didn't believe it at first. but now that i've tried it, i must say that it works.
and i must add that watching the night sky from vivo's sky garden was rather enjoyable.

today is the 12th.

today was a day well spent.
i do not have many days left; may every other remaining day be as fruitful as today.
i have 2 months left.

counter-culture.

lesson of the day; the culture that we, as a society, have created is one that does not make us feel good about ourselves. some days we wake up feeling not rich enough. on others, we wake up feeling that we're morbidly obese. whatever the day and whenever the time, we somehow manage to feel inadequate in some way. regardless of our wealth, status in society, education level or weight, we often feel that we are lacking in something. simply said, the culture that we have created is not a happy culture.

thought(s) of the day; it is a culture built of insecurity and fear.

everything these days is centred around fear simply because fear keeps us wanting, fighting and most importantly, buying. in my opinion, the mass media and companies (and governments too, in some cases) these days don't really sell you what you need these days, but rather, what they want you to think you want. for starters, who ever said that girls have to be skinny to be attractive? and who said that wearing ed hardy would give you extra street cred? what makes you think LV bags are worth the money? what makes you think that Macs are better than PCs? is plastic/cosmetic surgery really necessary? who started the whole
"diamonds are a lady's best friend" affair?

do we really need these things? are these ideas right and true? are are we merely trying to hide or suppress our fears by purchasing and chasing for more? does image matter that much? is appearance that important? hiding or suppressing our fears in material goods is useless because we only need more. there is no end to this madness. image and appearance are a facade to keep keen eyes away from what we really are within; selfish, cruel, hateful and bitter beings.

conclusion; i abhor this culture we have created. it is a monster that has grown out of proportion. it must be stopped. i refuse to submit myself to this culture, this monstrosity.

it is a culture that makes afraid of what we really are. it is a culture that encourages fanaticism, materialism, narcissism. it is a culture that teaches us impatience. there must be an end to this madness. but who will bring the end to all this?

now that sleep has touched my eyes, they are heavy.
and to sleep i go, just as the sun goes under to be reborn for tomorrow's morn.

what i saw the other day.

The difference between a neurotic, a psychotic, and a psychiatrist; The neurotic builds castles in the sky, the psychotic lives in them and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

passing thought(s).

lesson of the day; humans are selfish. we have no regard for one another, especially when our own well-beings are at stake. we desperately squeeze onto a bus even though there is obviously no space, just so we can reach home earlier and not have to endure the agony of waiting indefinitely for the next bus. we barge our way through the doors of the MRT without a care in the world, regardless of who's at the door and whether they're alighting or not. and when it comes to seats on the trains, we are no better. we hog seats; we reserve them for our precious sons and daughters, that are in upper primary already and are endowed and gifted with strong limbs that allow them to stand for long periods of time. we don't give two hoots about the old man that is standing around the corner, with eyes downcast and crooked back. or perhaps the old lady tryng to keep herself from falling over while holding on tightly to a bag of oranges that seem to be taking a toll on her tired shoulders. we leave them to stand alone, in all the rushing madness and chaos, while we sit in our comfortable seats.

thought of the day; woe upon you, idle STOMPers/other equivalent scum; grown men and women who have little to do but speak ill of today's youth. noble words you type and speak; although i must say that they are only good enough only to fool a mere child in kindergarten. when there are problems in society, you point the finger at our nation's youth. to you, we are an easy scapegoat. to you, we are uneducated, uncouth and undisciplined; lacking in all faculties and most importantly, in values such as respect for the elderly and courtesy. let it be known then, that when a large group of tired youth sit down on the train floors, they are not being inconsiderate, as especially when they are sitting on the side that has doors that never open. they are leaving more seats for you. yes, you. but how do you return the favour? you whip out that handphone of yours and take pictures and videos of them falling asleep on the floor while you seat comfortably on your seat. the seat that they chose to forgo, so that you could enjoy your journey home. we are not uneducated, uncouth or undisciplined. we try to be practical. why should we sit when we can sit somewhere else that is of little use to anyone? why fall asleep on comfortable chairs when others need them more than we do? we try to do what we can. but no, to you, we are nothing but youth who know nothing of hard lives of suffering and sacrifice. you think we know not of compassion and generousity and you label us as such, "uneducated, uncouth and undisciplined".

when youth don't give up their seats to elderly men and women, or perhaps pregnant ladies too, you see it as a chance. a chance to "educate and enlighten" the country on how her youth is ruining society. to you, the feeling of being able to take a picture of a youth sleeping on an MRT seat can be likened to that of winning the Big Sweep, or perhaps TOTO. simply said, it is like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you then put it up on STOMP, for you and the world to see. you think it is a good cause. i used to think so too, but i guess i've changed my mind.

oh, noble STOMPer, what about yourself? while the poor youth(who is dead tired after a day of school) dozes of in that MRT seat while an old lady is just round the corner, what is the first thing that you think of? taking a picture/video of the unfortunate boy(he is deemed unfortunate because you were there) or giving up your seat for the old lady. clearly, the former seems to be appealing to you. then, my noble STOMPer, you are no different from the youth in the picture you have just taken. or perhaps, maybe even worse. he is asleep while you are not. you are wide awake, with open eyes. yet you chose the lesser of the two choices. i must say that this is most disappointing.

the old lady still does not have a seat and thus, it can be concluded that the battle is not won. yes, no one wins. and everyone loses, especially the poor old lady and the unfortunate youth.

conclusion of the day; us youth, are human too. we all make mistakes because we are human. age does not make a difference. age is but a number. age does not gurantee maturity because maturity is not granted when one ages. i believe you can say the same about respect. these two are earned.

i'm not saying that STOMP is a bad platform. but i must say that is getting excessive, to the point that some youth(especially those in uniform) don't dare to sit on buses and MRTs anymore. but seriously, be more reasonable next time aye? adults make mistakes too, so don't go around just blaming the youth. take a good look at yourselves first, then we'll talk about civility.

i am ashamed to be a human.
we are flawed.
when we finally take one step forward,
we somehow always move back by three.

frustration.

i wish i could play for some club or something. or maybe try out coaching(although i ain't that good). well, anything to do with the game actually. i'm just hoping that someone can fix my shoulders or something so i can head back on to the field again. oh, happy days of guts and glory.

if only life were that simple.

anyway, i don't really remember when was the last time i felt this frustrated. say, maybe last year? things were okay at first but now it's getting a lil' messed up now. i'm slipping away slowly, day by day. losing myself to the devil, bit by bit. i don't like this at all. i just want to scream it all out. but i just can't.

screw it all.

i won't forget; ubermensch.

now what?

what do you want from me now?
really, what the hell do you want?!
so it's my fault again huh.
knew i should have just done nothing at all.

what would you do?

say, if you saw a butterfly in a spider's web, what you would do?

save the butterfly, perhaps? and what, let the spider die of starvation? logic tells me that you cannot keep saving the butterflies because the spider will die eventually due to a lack of food in the long run.

or maybe, kill the spider to save the butterfly? but that means having to kill one of them. who are we to decide who lives and who dies? we are not God.

unfortunately, we do this everyday.
that's right; everyday.

true, true.

there is no substitute for hard work.
train hard, race easy.